big day tomorrow

I'm one with mixed emotions now.

First emotion: Fear
Fear for swimming gala tomorrow morning, yet again one of KTJ's biggest inter-house competition, second to athletics. I personally feel that swimming gala is more of a rip-roaring spectacular compared to that of athletics as the whole school is more or less confined to that small amount of space at the pool, be that staring at the pool or being in the pool itself. I'm in several events, in which I will be competing with so many jaw-dropping swimmers (who are all friends of mine)... "I'll be okay" is almost impossible; "I'm really scared" is merely an understatement. Nope, ever fibre of my body is resisting the urge to spit words of negativity in this post because it's been proven that "the more you say you are dumb, the dumber you'll get" hence is applicable to my current mindset too. So no, scratch that...

I will try my best not to let Irinah down, not to let the people whom I care for down, not to let mommy and daddy down, and not to let myself down. Even when if at some point I don't even feel my legs anymore, I'll be pushing, giving my all, just to swim to the finish line with one fact in mind: I  tried my best, I really did. I'm very, fully, completely, utterly aware, now more than ever, that I'm up against a potential record breaker and a few other just as outstanding swimmers in the next nine hours. I'd be lying if I said that this thought isn't gripping my heart, eating my insides. But I'm also aware that it's all down to the way I think... Right? Well, I hope I'll get it right this time: I can do it. They know I can do it. Therefore, I shall do it. *smiling*

Second emotion: excitement
Swimming gala is one of my utmost favorite inter-house sports competition to speculate. It's just so hard to describe what you see in plain, immobile words. It's a series of scenes that you need to watch for yourself to succumb to the talents of the students in my school - they are amazing. That's all that my range of vocabulary permits me at this hour. All in all, I'm so full of excitement right now. Hence, my adrenalin has gotten the best of me. Good luck to everyone who's swimming tomorrow. Go make it an unforgettable swimming gala - like never before! I'd be expecting at least something amazing to happen so go make wonders.

Third emotion: happy
It must be so nice to be the king of the day, huh? Especially since you are the birthday girl/boy in KTJ, for it is an experience that will only ever be..."experienced" in a school like KTJ. It's different, a nice different. I know I'm an hour early, but let me just say, "Happy birthday, Adam! Yes I know, you are the same age as me now, no need to rub it in my face!" Adam - an adorable friend, the annoying/loud/naive (nope, you ain't mature Adam) baby of the 5 of us - a blessing in disguise.
PS. *flips hair seductively back, Adam slips into swimming pool* Oops.

Fourth emotion: exhaustion
I should get some sleep. It's a big day tomorrow... And a big night. :)
I'm keeping up with my positivity - I can do it. But first, I need sleep.
Good night. *still smiling*

" You caught me off guard

Now I'm running and screaming

I feel like a hero and you are my heroine

Do you know that your love is the sweetest sin? " 

- Hero/Heroine, Boys Like Girls 

Okay, this song is my other favorite too! Hehehehe. 

:)

My ultimate favorite song now. :) 

Well, for now at least. 

// 

In the middle of the night
That's when you caught my eye
I chased you round in memories
Through the breeze and trees and you tease me

But hey, the clock's turning around
And you're still playing these games
It's such a waste to bring me down, down, down
Don't bring me down

'Cause hey girl, I wanna catch your wave
Hey girl, I wanna drift away with you
Hey girl, you've got an undertow
Hey girl, hey girl, don't wanna let you go

When I turned sixteen
That's when I started to dream
I chased you round in memories
Through the breeze and the trees and you tease me

But hey, well, every princess has her knight
And I'm still in it for the fight
Not givin' in, I'm gonna win, win, win
I'm gonna win

'Cause hey girl, I wanna catch your wave
Hey girl, I wanna drift away with you
Hey girl, you've got an undertow
Hey girl, hey girl don't wanna let you go

I'm never gonna let you go

Hey girl, I wanna catch your wave
Hey girl, I wanna drift away with you
Hey girl, you've got an undertow
Hey girl, hey girl, don't wanna let you

Hey girl, I wanna catch your wave
Hey girl, I wanna drift away with you
Hey girl, you've got an undertow
Hey girl, hey girl, don't wanna let you

Hey girl, hey girl don't wanna let you go
I'll never let you go

Alright

//

Catch Your Wave, The Click Five

nothing

Good for nothing, that's what I am.
Just a waste of space in this world when someone better could have taken my role some fifteen years ago, yet I'm here now.
Why?
Why me?
When I'm simply good for nothing.
Yeah, that's just what I am...
And I'm tired of it. So tired of it.

losing sleep

I'm losing sleep.
I'm really tired.
I want to sleep but I can't.
I just can't.
I don't deserve to be tucked under the comforts of my duvet knowing that somewhere else people are out in the cold, hungry and bare.
I don't deserve to complain about my studies when just yesterday I saw tears in the eyes of an igcse girl - was it because of stress though, I wonder.
I don't deserve to even have the word "lazy" in my range of vocabulary knowing the island of prep I have awaiting me.
I don't deserve to think so negatively, yet it is what I do best, this afternoon as I looked into the eyes of the woman who sets her hope so high on me...

See?
I'm really tired.
I have to sleep now.
But I just can't...

11.02 p.m.

I introduced this song to Kamilia. Got it stuck in her head for days. Now she's got it stuck back in mine! Hence, let me pass it on to you, whoever you may be. Trust me, Justin Timberlake is rather contagious, well his songs at least! *mentally picturing the laugh/cry emoji*

Good night.

" So don't act like it's a bad thing to fall in love with me

'Cause you might look around and find your dreams come true, with me

Spent all your time and your money just to find out that my love was free

So don't act like it's a bad thing to fall in love with me, me

It's not a bad thing to fall in love with me, me

Not such a bad thing to fall in love with me "

Not A Bad Thing, Justin Timberlake

16.05.2014

As long as she had an unforgettable 16th birthday, a mere 3 hours of sleep today was worth it. It's nice to receive a bag of surprises on your birthday, but to me it is just as nice to be the one giving the bag of surprises, if not better. For all I looked forward to today was seeing her reaction upon a little something that I had come up with, here and there. I imagined a whispered gasp or a jaw-dropping face - which explains why her outburst simply rooted me to the ground for seeing her cry was the last thing that I thought would happen. In fact, it had never struck my mind that it would actually tug at her heart strings that much. Though somewhere deep inside I was praying for a remarkable birthday for her, 16 being her favorite number and age and the so called "sweet sixteen" that it is known for. Aren't birthdays just simply lovely? For seeing other people happy makes me happy inside too. :)

So before the night ends, before she officially becomes 16 on the 16th of May:

Happy birthday, Sabrina...

16.05.2014 

" A true friend

You're here till the end

You pull me aside when something ain't right

Talk with me now and into the night

Till it's alright again

You're a true friend " 

- Hannah Montana 

Sleeping is probably the best idea now. A little bit more than just 3 hours this time, yes? *wink wink*

Good night.

silver lining 2.0

I can't wait to go home tomorrow . *smiling*
It's been so long, since NQH days, that I felt this strong urge to go back home. So I'm taking it as a good sign.
There are just so many things that I wish to say here but as I've been constantly drilled in these few days the cons of using my phone in the dark... I'd rather not take the risk.
So I promise to write more when I get back to those four walls of mine tomorrow.

"Stop being so pessimistic Kar Mun!!" 
I'm not that pessimistic, am I?
Sigh, guess I am.
But things will change... *still smiling*

" Because these things will change

Can you feel it now?

These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down

This revolution, the time will come

For us to finally win

And we’ll sing hallelujah, we’ll sing hallelujah "

- Change, Taylor Swift

love me for me

A song worth all of our times. 

Have a listen to it and really understand the lyrics.

Sweet dreams :)

Until next time. 

Love Me For Me, Ashley Tisdale

//

I'm not the girl that you see in the magazine

Perfect face and perfect body

Never be anyone but the one I am, what I am

I can't bend to your expectations

Look to fulfill any fantasy

If what I am is what you need

Love me for me

And not for someone I would never be

Cause what you get is what you see

And I can't be anymore than what I am

Love me for me

Or don't love me

Don't think you're gonna change what's inside of me

Make me who you want me to be

Won't be someone I'm not

Somebody else, someone else

Love me with all my imperfections

Not for an image of your design

Love me for what you see inside

Love me for me (love me baby)

And not for someone I would never be

Cause what you get is what you see

And I can't be anymore than what I am (no, no)

Love me for me (yeah, yeah)

And not for someone you wish that I could be

Cause what you get is what you see (What you see)

And I can't be anymore than what I am (no)

Love me for me

Or don't love me

I'd never do anything to change you (to change you)

Or make you be anything than who you are (who you are)

All that I am is all that I can be

I love you for you

So love me for me

Love me for me

(Yeah, Yeah)

Or don't love me

Love me for me

And not for someone I would never be

Cause what you get is what you see

And I can't be anymore than what I am (no)

Love me for me (love me)

And not for someone you wish that I could be

Cause what you get is what you see (Is what you see)

So love me for me

Or don't love me

Love me for me

Or don't love me...

// 

the five regrets

Miss Nadia came across an England newspaper which has done a survey on the regrets that people in their death beds have...

1. They regretted not having a life that was true to themselves but a life that was expected of them

2. They regretted working so hard

3. They regretted not having the courage to express their feelings

4. They regretted not keeping better in touch with their friends

5. They wished they had let themselves be happier and did not worry so much...

I don't want to feel that way too one day.
Yet at the tender age of fifteen, the above are regrets that have begun to overwhelm me already.
I want nothing more than to be happy.
Is that too much to ask...?
Please tell me it isn't.

I hate myself.
I hate everything about me.
Hate everything that makes me... Me.

I tell myself to learn to love myself a bit more each day, only to find the hatred intensifying by the hour each day, everyday.
"Love yourself a little more," they'll say but they never tell me how.
So still I hate myself.

So much so that it scares me.
But what's scarier is that I don't even know why.

Pooh to my Honey

Though it feels different now, at least to me it feels different.
Nothing's gonna ever change.
You are the Pooh to my Honey and forever we shall stick to each other like elephant glue!
I miss our joined beds and midnight talks. (which were seldom but when it happened, it was unforgettable!)
Miss the laughter we echoed and the tears we shared.
I'm a lot of things. But expressive is clearly not one of them so should you ever read this, just always remember... I'm right here.

Piglet : "You have a lot of friends, don't you Pooh?"

Pooh : "Yes, but only one Piglet."

" All you have to do is call my name

No matter how close or far away

Ask me once and I'll come, I'll come running

And when I can't be with you, dream me near

Keep me in your heart and I'll appear

All you gotta do is turn around

Close your eyes, look inside

I'm right here " 

- Right Here, Hannah Montana  

属于我的

我想回家

我不想待在学校了

我好累啊

我真的好累…

学校对我来说已经变得毫无意义了

曾经对学校的期盼和兴奋究竟去了哪儿呢

留下的只剩寂寞、悲伤、疲倦的感觉

我不喜欢这种感觉

曾经对学校的快乐

你去哪儿了呢

为什么人…

那么矛盾

那么固执

会开心

又会伤心

会爱

又会被伤害

做人怎么那么难啊

只想每天开开心心过日子的我

但又觉得自己很没用的我

却有自己的梦想的我

累了

还我我的天真

还我我的快来

还我曾经属于我的一切

时间，你真残酷

new term

Greetings from the floor of L11!

*giggles*
My laziness has got the better of me to update my blog instead of taking a nice cold shower after some hardcore exercises I have had in the morning. Hence, the floor!

I think the title of this post just speaks for itself. Already it is the second week of the new term. This term is said to be the shortest because it has only got two exeats (the first one being next week already!) before the school breaks up for the summer. Many things have happened in merely two weeks so I guess chronologically will be the best way to story-tell you about my life.

Firstly : L11

I could not have asked for a better room, and even better roommates. They are really people whom I used to see on a daily (and nightly) basis but never would we stop in our tracks and just initiate a random conversation. But now that we are contained in the same four walls, I don't remember there ever being a day where we wouldn't be laughing uproariously because believe me, there's always just something interesting happening in their lives every single day that just needs to be shared. And for that I feel oh so happy... Because they have entrusted those inside jokes and secrets to me. And they are so kind and so nice... I'm really sorry, words are failing me at this moment but I think simply by saying how nice they are in plain words are simply not enough. When something bad happens to someone, they are the kind of friends who will drop everything they are doing and dash to her bed to help out or just give moral support. Maybe it's just me... But their kind actions have a way of tugging at my heartstrings, every time, without fail. We study, we laugh, we talk, we help - together. Like me, they have dreams too and I believe their dreams will come true one day beautifully, just like them.

"Welcome to L11"

Secondly : Leavers' Night

House night this term was replaced by Leaver's Night and like last year it was especially for the Form 5's as well as the Upper 6's who would be leaving at the end of this term. But unlike last year which was held by the beach, we went to a hotel instead. And just imagine 60 over girls in resplendent dresses and amazing shoes - they were all so beautiful... It was a great night with great company, at the same time, it was also a night filled with melancholy, because it was a night of goodbyes for reality - a step into the real world out there, somewhere. The thought that in a year's time, all the performances and speeches would be directed at my friends and I as it will be our turn to leave then... It all just seems so surreal. I'm graduating soon... Really? I am pulled by anticipation and shoved by apprehension. I think that explains the tears at the corner of my eyes that night. But then I thought, it wouldn't exactly be Leavers' Night for me then if my staying for 6th Form in this school is a 90-10, would it? It's for the best, I know, but what if I don't want what's best for me... Oh, must I stay?

My lovely friends

 Four of us

 My beautiful best friend

Thirdly : Maths Trials

My first two weeks of school were spent mostly in terms of numbers and figures. It was maths, maths and more maths for me. On a brighter note, the more I do the papers, the more I feel I am getting used to the way the questions are asked and how they should be countered. And the trials were, fortunately, not as difficult as I expected them to be. Unlike the big, fat yellow book! *fingers-crossed though* I am keeping my hopes down for now because I am not looking forward to a hard fall upon seeing my results later. 

Fourthly : Basketball

Inter-house competition for girls this term is basketball and our first match is against Jawahir followed by the other two houses, all on this coming Saturday. We've barely had much practice hence the intense trainings these few days to make amends. We even played last night from 8 to 9 in the hall! PS. I have a thing for night sports, if that makes any sense! Have you ever had that feeling where you feel you are no good for anything? Haha... Well, that's how I've been feeling for each training to date. I can't even make a simple shoot for the hoop when I'm free. What can I do? I don't want to let the team down. I don't want to let myself down. And just this morning, even a push was enough to send me falling and twisting my ankle the sixth time... What can I do? Good for nothing, perhaps.

Fifthly :

Jolin said to think positively. Surround myself with happy people. Listen to happy songs. Think happy thoughts. Do what makes me happy. If I feel that I'm bad in basketball, practice more and remind myself to make changes to do better. Stop blaming myself. Be myself. And smile. Thank you Jolin ooo (the "ooo" family from form 3iS). The lyrics below are to this song that Jolin ooo told me of yesterday. Pay attention to the lyrics. A song worth listening to, yeah. :)

" 我的爱只能够 让你一个人独自拥有
我的灵和魂魄 不停守候在你心门口
我的伤和眼泪化为乌有 为你而流
藏在无边无际小小宇宙 爱你的我 "

- 够爱，东城卫