start of something new

Dear Blogger,

I think it is about time that I filled you in about a huge part of my life... At the end of last year, I decided to give the college that everyone claimed to be really hard to get in a shot - just so it would give me a taste on how it was to apply to university in the future. And out of sheer luck, I got accepted... A fact that up until today, even as I am typing away furiously on my laptop within the precincts of the castle building, is still as surreal to me as the night I received the phone call. Everything is so unrealistic, and I still pinch myself every now and then, wondering just when I would be pulled back to reality - it never happened.

Out of the 7 (or it might have been 9) candidates who were chosen, why was it that the national committee assigned me to the campus in the States is beyond me, for as of this moment, it still remains a question that I long the answer for. America... Blogger, do you know how much America means to me? Ever since I was a little girl, back to the Disney Channel and High School Musical days, I have been fantasising to live in this beautiful country, to be part of it. *smiles* I still remember lying against my bedroom wall, crying in my knees everyday when I was 13, praying that daddy would just send me there immediately - no such luck.

Here I am... At seventeen, all alone in this beautiful country of my dreams, of which I would be spending the next two years, and hopefully more, here. But I miss home immensely, Blogger... But really I just miss mommy the most. I miss her so, so much it hurts. I like it here, but it is all so overwhelming, though that feeling is subsiding ever so slowly. I miss walking down to her room to see her still in bed, feeling a sense of pride given that this never happens very often; I miss how she would very quickly brush her teeth, wash her face and bring along her facial products to the dining room just because she knows that I am hungry every breakfast; I miss how she would squeeze next to me in my bed and just spend the night there; I miss how much effort she puts in her cooking to make sure that she satisfies my appetite, despite the fact that time after time again I would push away her act of kindness... I miss everything about her, and to think that I can only see her in a year's time hurts me so much, Blogger... My tears cannot help themselves but pour down my cheeks every time I think of her. I've never missed home more; I've never loved mommy more than I do now. I miss her so, so much.

Everyone here is so nice and I have made a few good friends, but the loneliness in my chest is unavoidable. My appetite has shrunk so much, it is as though my taste buds are failing me. I am happy to be in my dream country, and very often I try to think of just how lucky I am to be living my dreams as according to mommy, my life has really only just begun. But it is also hard to put on that smile for too long, you know? I may seem strong, but I am not. I never was, and I never will be...

You never really know just how much someone means to you until they are no longer by your side. And when that happens, it hurts so much... Have courage and be kind. Have courage and be kind. Have courage and be kind. Have cou-

Courage...the one thing that I do not have right now.

it is at times like this that I feel lucky...

if only you were here to see magic happen in this castle with me, 

mommy and daddy

I love you... 

I should stop here before these tears flow any longer. There you go, Blogger - here's a big part of my life that I am entrusting you with. 

Until then,

xx

constant as the stars above

Hey there...

Constant as the stars above
Always know that you are lovedAnd my love shining in you
Will help you make your dreams come true
Will help your dreams come true

I guess I still am, and always will be, a Barbie girl at heart - for even after seventeen years, Barbie movies never fail to leave a smile on my face in the end. 
It's been so long since I checked in here, Blogger. It's been a very busy summer for me, with everyday being very productive in and out of home. With only nine days left, my time here is numbered. I wish to say more, but I am at a loss of words... I promise to write more when I am more ready to share my inner thoughts with you. 

Until then, it is good night for me now. Sweet dreams, you, whoever you may be till today

Barbie as Rapunzel

"Love and imagination can change the world" 

Actually, it can change your world.

Till then.

most productive yet

Today marks the most productive day of the summer (yet)! Going to the bank, washing all three toilets, ironing all the clothes, cooking dinner, doing the dishes... Having single-handedly done all these jobs made me realize one thing: Being a mother, being mommy is no easy job. For that, she's simply amazing...

Every moment spent with her makes saying goodbye more difficult each day

July 15th

So many times I felt just like a burden; that maybe without my presence in this world, life would have been much easier for them; for him, that by now, he would have been resting...enjoying life. So many times I felt apologetic; I simply felt utterly useless...given that he's invested so much in me, only to amount to so little. 

The past tense used above still remains in the present, because really, I still feel the same about myself.

However, a part of me will always hope that during these sixteen years, I have done him proud. Somehow. 

If not, I hope I will. Someday. 

Here's to 72 years, daddy.

And I'm sorry...for anything at all. 

Happy birthday.

Until now, I still do not know just how it feels like to embrace yourself; to accept yourself and everything about you...to love yourself. 

It's just so hard to... I know it is very contradictory for me to say this, given the advices I have given out to people to do just the same, hence I know how you feel. It's hard, it really is.

As I look into the mirror, I see a reflection of insecurities and flaws; I see clouds and shadows. This is the thing about staying home: I am given too much time alone; too much alone time to wander in my pool of thoughts. Conversely, in school, I am never alone, and these same, old, crazy thoughts would never haunt me.

I miss my friends.

I miss school...

It's been so long since I wrote anything here. But that doesn't mean you've been forgotten, blogger. I'll never forget you...you're my platform for the little voices in my head - Thank you. 

The Longest Ride

"Love requires sacrifice, always" - The Longest Ride


A movie that has really made me cry... And then comes the questions in my head: 

But just how can one love so deeply?

...what is love; how does it feel like?

Because I don't quite know anymore. 

Sweet dreams, x

last four days

I really don't wanna leave just yet... I actually really, really love this place. It's home now... It all feels... I feel - so sad...

The 6am view from up high;

The beautiful city lights

For a moment there, just standing on top of the hill, I felt that anything could happen. 

high school ∞

"It's been a long day, without you my friend...

Last I checked, it was the third to last day of my IGCSEs that I wrote here and eleven days later - I'm back! 

The past month was exhausting, simply mentally draining - waking up early every morning to yet another day of revision, up to the point where the line between what you did not know and what you already knew was blurred, thus the only option available was to simply drill everything into your head and pray. Having dropped a subject already, I saw myself as incapable and an easy victim to difficulties, hence I later knew better than to complain, at least not aloud, regardless of being told otherwise - that Physics was just not my cup of tea or It really is okay to drop a subject. I wish that they're right. Anyhow, it's all over and I can actually heave a sigh of relief and tell you this: I am, kind of, officially done with high school! I've given my all, and I hope my hard work would pay off... Guess I'll have to find out on the 11th of August myself. With that, 

IGCSEs

Have you ever had a conversation with your friends that you find yourselves repeating time after time again and it still doesn't get old? Well, I do. And after four years, four years of talking in as much excitement as a 13-year-old could possibly have in her, the day finally knocked upon her door...and vanished before she could register its presence. To me, it was always imperative that I had a date for such occasions, but if that special someone doesn't make his grand entrée into your life, it wouldn't be special anymore - simply meaningless. I thought wrong. Because the night turned out to be a memorable one for me after all, having my best friend as my "date", as we are all very lonely people.  *hand-covering-face monkey emoji* 

Three hours went pass in a twinkle, but I savored every moment of it, at least I thought I did, in every way possible.

Prom

(4 years later, this day has finally come and gone, it's a sad truth, but it's true: It's over; Prom's over)

It's been two days since I got back from my three-day, ten-person trip to Pahang. I had great fun there. What made me happier was the fact that I found a friend in many people over those short days. People with whom I used to only exchange short glances or nothing at all are now my friends. And for that I'm so happy. Strangers are friends just waiting to happen - a quote that I deeply believe in. Though after this we may never see each other anymore, at least looking back at all these ten years from now, I would know that I once found a friend in you, hence I thank you, for giving me just so much to remember, and just so much to say goodbye to... It hurts, but then again, it's the sad truth. Oui?

Pahang Trip

Almost two weeks ago, Irinah was still filled with our laughter. But day by day, we started leaving. And day by day, the number of us sending them off is getting smaller. And what was once a united force of 15 dwindled to 3 now... I can no longer open my door, look down at a room with countless numbers of slippers outside and go in, knowing that I would be greeted with infinite laughter and happiness. I never knew how big a part they all played in my heart until the time came to part. Was it wrong of me to have taken everything for granted; everyone for granted, and to then have reality hit me hard on my face as I realized that it was my time to let go too, just like everyone else? I thought I had all the time in my hands, but it has dawned on me that I may not see a lot of them again. But... But I'm not ready. 

I'll miss this beautiful school too: the G16 singing-before-add-math-class days, the G18 selfie-in-local-history-class days, the 'redundant'-U13-days-with-Disney, the playing-netball-with-boys-days for PE, the G4-sitting-by-the-window days... The mandatory Wednesday-breakfast-outside days, the after-school-at-tuckshop days, the after-prep-in-the-pantry nights, rock climbing every-Tuesdays-and Thursdays, badminton-on-Sunday-mornings, L11-dinner-plus-walking around the school-feat-Moon Moon/Carol days, basketball-with-the-Imran-boys days, MMM days... Can't you see? All the memories that I've unknowingly created in this school? Have you ever had anything at all that makes saying goodbye so hard? If you do, how did you deal with it? How do you say goodbye...to all these memories? I know life goes on, I know people eventually will leave and forget, I know...and I'm tired of hearing all these because if all these have ever meant something to you, even if they only meant a little - hold on to them. Because...I will. Cherish.

High School

may our paths cross and our stars align someday

till then, it's goodbye

∞

...and I'll tell you all about it till I see you again"

two days!

I feel the excitement and adrenalin flowing all over me like tidal waves! Hence, I'm finding it so hard to focus. Focus, I gotta do add math! Just one more - I'm down to my final paper now (not to mention, the hardest paper)! Just like that... I'll be finishing one small part of my life. Just earlier this morning, it hit me : It's an accomplishment, you see, to undertake IGCSEs, though I'm constantly told that their difficulty is a mere overstatement relative to A Levels and the IB. But those can come later. For now, I'm still in disbelief at how everything is passing by rocket-speed fast. In 2 days, I'll be done with IGCSEs.. In 4 days I'll be going to prom (prom...after 4 years of day dreaming, you're finally here?)... In 18 days, I'll be graduating from high school.... It's all too much to take in. I'm excited, but I'm not ready either.

Lord, I'll follow Your plan, and relish this remarkable ride they call life.

I got all I need when I got you and I
I look around me, and see sweet life
I'm stuck in the dark but You're my flashlight
You're getting me, getting me through the night

Cause You're my flashlight... 

*PS. I really, really have to focus on add maths now... 
Till then, x

      //

When tomorrow comes

I'll be on my own

Feeling frightened of

The things that I don't know

When tomorrow comes

Tomorrow comes

Tomorrow comes..."

Who's my flashlight?

//

6 more days... Hey, hang in there, you've made it thus far.

"That's why... 

I don't know how much more of this I can take anymore. 

I'm not strong, 

I just pretend I am"