big day tomorrow

I'm one with mixed emotions now.

First emotion: Fear
Fear for swimming gala tomorrow morning, yet again one of KTJ's biggest inter-house competition, second to athletics. I personally feel that swimming gala is more of a rip-roaring spectacular compared to that of athletics as the whole school is more or less confined to that small amount of space at the pool, be that staring at the pool or being in the pool itself. I'm in several events, in which I will be competing with so many jaw-dropping swimmers (who are all friends of mine)... "I'll be okay" is almost impossible; "I'm really scared" is merely an understatement. Nope, ever fibre of my body is resisting the urge to spit words of negativity in this post because it's been proven that "the more you say you are dumb, the dumber you'll get" hence is applicable to my current mindset too. So no, scratch that...

I will try my best not to let Irinah down, not to let the people whom I care for down, not to let mommy and daddy down, and not to let myself down. Even when if at some point I don't even feel my legs anymore, I'll be pushing, giving my all, just to swim to the finish line with one fact in mind: I  tried my best, I really did. I'm very, fully, completely, utterly aware, now more than ever, that I'm up against a potential record breaker and a few other just as outstanding swimmers in the next nine hours. I'd be lying if I said that this thought isn't gripping my heart, eating my insides. But I'm also aware that it's all down to the way I think... Right? Well, I hope I'll get it right this time: I can do it. They know I can do it. Therefore, I shall do it. *smiling*

Second emotion: excitement
Swimming gala is one of my utmost favorite inter-house sports competition to speculate. It's just so hard to describe what you see in plain, immobile words. It's a series of scenes that you need to watch for yourself to succumb to the talents of the students in my school - they are amazing. That's all that my range of vocabulary permits me at this hour. All in all, I'm so full of excitement right now. Hence, my adrenalin has gotten the best of me. Good luck to everyone who's swimming tomorrow. Go make it an unforgettable swimming gala - like never before! I'd be expecting at least something amazing to happen so go make wonders.

Third emotion: happy
It must be so nice to be the king of the day, huh? Especially since you are the birthday girl/boy in KTJ, for it is an experience that will only ever be..."experienced" in a school like KTJ. It's different, a nice different. I know I'm an hour early, but let me just say, "Happy birthday, Adam! Yes I know, you are the same age as me now, no need to rub it in my face!" Adam - an adorable friend, the annoying/loud/naive (nope, you ain't mature Adam) baby of the 5 of us - a blessing in disguise.
PS. *flips hair seductively back, Adam slips into swimming pool* Oops.

Fourth emotion: exhaustion
I should get some sleep. It's a big day tomorrow... And a big night. :)
I'm keeping up with my positivity - I can do it. But first, I need sleep.
Good night. *still smiling*

" You caught me off guard

Now I'm running and screaming

I feel like a hero and you are my heroine

Do you know that your love is the sweetest sin? " 

- Hero/Heroine, Boys Like Girls 

Okay, this song is my other favorite too! Hehehehe. 

:)

My ultimate favorite song now. :) 

Well, for now at least. 

// 

In the middle of the night
That's when you caught my eye
I chased you round in memories
Through the breeze and trees and you tease me

But hey, the clock's turning around
And you're still playing these games
It's such a waste to bring me down, down, down
Don't bring me down

'Cause hey girl, I wanna catch your wave
Hey girl, I wanna drift away with you
Hey girl, you've got an undertow
Hey girl, hey girl, don't wanna let you go

When I turned sixteen
That's when I started to dream
I chased you round in memories
Through the breeze and the trees and you tease me

But hey, well, every princess has her knight
And I'm still in it for the fight
Not givin' in, I'm gonna win, win, win
I'm gonna win

'Cause hey girl, I wanna catch your wave
Hey girl, I wanna drift away with you
Hey girl, you've got an undertow
Hey girl, hey girl don't wanna let you go

I'm never gonna let you go

Hey girl, I wanna catch your wave
Hey girl, I wanna drift away with you
Hey girl, you've got an undertow
Hey girl, hey girl, don't wanna let you

Hey girl, I wanna catch your wave
Hey girl, I wanna drift away with you
Hey girl, you've got an undertow
Hey girl, hey girl, don't wanna let you

Hey girl, hey girl don't wanna let you go
I'll never let you go

Alright

//

Catch Your Wave, The Click Five

nothing

Good for nothing, that's what I am.
Just a waste of space in this world when someone better could have taken my role some fifteen years ago, yet I'm here now.
Why?
Why me?
When I'm simply good for nothing.
Yeah, that's just what I am...
And I'm tired of it. So tired of it.

losing sleep

I'm losing sleep.
I'm really tired.
I want to sleep but I can't.
I just can't.
I don't deserve to be tucked under the comforts of my duvet knowing that somewhere else people are out in the cold, hungry and bare.
I don't deserve to complain about my studies when just yesterday I saw tears in the eyes of an igcse girl - was it because of stress though, I wonder.
I don't deserve to even have the word "lazy" in my range of vocabulary knowing the island of prep I have awaiting me.
I don't deserve to think so negatively, yet it is what I do best, this afternoon as I looked into the eyes of the woman who sets her hope so high on me...

See?
I'm really tired.
I have to sleep now.
But I just can't...

11.02 p.m.

I introduced this song to Kamilia. Got it stuck in her head for days. Now she's got it stuck back in mine! Hence, let me pass it on to you, whoever you may be. Trust me, Justin Timberlake is rather contagious, well his songs at least! *mentally picturing the laugh/cry emoji*

Good night.

" So don't act like it's a bad thing to fall in love with me

'Cause you might look around and find your dreams come true, with me

Spent all your time and your money just to find out that my love was free

So don't act like it's a bad thing to fall in love with me, me

It's not a bad thing to fall in love with me, me

Not such a bad thing to fall in love with me "

Not A Bad Thing, Justin Timberlake

16.05.2014

As long as she had an unforgettable 16th birthday, a mere 3 hours of sleep today was worth it. It's nice to receive a bag of surprises on your birthday, but to me it is just as nice to be the one giving the bag of surprises, if not better. For all I looked forward to today was seeing her reaction upon a little something that I had come up with, here and there. I imagined a whispered gasp or a jaw-dropping face - which explains why her outburst simply rooted me to the ground for seeing her cry was the last thing that I thought would happen. In fact, it had never struck my mind that it would actually tug at her heart strings that much. Though somewhere deep inside I was praying for a remarkable birthday for her, 16 being her favorite number and age and the so called "sweet sixteen" that it is known for. Aren't birthdays just simply lovely? For seeing other people happy makes me happy inside too. :)

So before the night ends, before she officially becomes 16 on the 16th of May:

Happy birthday, Sabrina...

16.05.2014 

" A true friend

You're here till the end

You pull me aside when something ain't right

Talk with me now and into the night

Till it's alright again

You're a true friend " 

- Hannah Montana 

Sleeping is probably the best idea now. A little bit more than just 3 hours this time, yes? *wink wink*

Good night.

silver lining 2.0

I can't wait to go home tomorrow . *smiling*
It's been so long, since NQH days, that I felt this strong urge to go back home. So I'm taking it as a good sign.
There are just so many things that I wish to say here but as I've been constantly drilled in these few days the cons of using my phone in the dark... I'd rather not take the risk.
So I promise to write more when I get back to those four walls of mine tomorrow.

"Stop being so pessimistic Kar Mun!!" 
I'm not that pessimistic, am I?
Sigh, guess I am.
But things will change... *still smiling*

" Because these things will change

Can you feel it now?

These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down

This revolution, the time will come

For us to finally win

And we’ll sing hallelujah, we’ll sing hallelujah "

- Change, Taylor Swift

love me for me

A song worth all of our times. 

Have a listen to it and really understand the lyrics.

Sweet dreams :)

Until next time. 

Love Me For Me, Ashley Tisdale

//

I'm not the girl that you see in the magazine

Perfect face and perfect body

Never be anyone but the one I am, what I am

I can't bend to your expectations

Look to fulfill any fantasy

If what I am is what you need

Love me for me

And not for someone I would never be

Cause what you get is what you see

And I can't be anymore than what I am

Love me for me

Or don't love me

Don't think you're gonna change what's inside of me

Make me who you want me to be

Won't be someone I'm not

Somebody else, someone else

Love me with all my imperfections

Not for an image of your design

Love me for what you see inside

Love me for me (love me baby)

And not for someone I would never be

Cause what you get is what you see

And I can't be anymore than what I am (no, no)

Love me for me (yeah, yeah)

And not for someone you wish that I could be

Cause what you get is what you see (What you see)

And I can't be anymore than what I am (no)

Love me for me

Or don't love me

I'd never do anything to change you (to change you)

Or make you be anything than who you are (who you are)

All that I am is all that I can be

I love you for you

So love me for me

Love me for me

(Yeah, Yeah)

Or don't love me

Love me for me

And not for someone I would never be

Cause what you get is what you see

And I can't be anymore than what I am (no)

Love me for me (love me)

And not for someone you wish that I could be

Cause what you get is what you see (Is what you see)

So love me for me

Or don't love me

Love me for me

Or don't love me...

// 

the five regrets

Miss Nadia came across an England newspaper which has done a survey on the regrets that people in their death beds have...

1. They regretted not having a life that was true to themselves but a life that was expected of them

2. They regretted working so hard

3. They regretted not having the courage to express their feelings

4. They regretted not keeping better in touch with their friends

5. They wished they had let themselves be happier and did not worry so much...

I don't want to feel that way too one day.
Yet at the tender age of fifteen, the above are regrets that have begun to overwhelm me already.
I want nothing more than to be happy.
Is that too much to ask...?
Please tell me it isn't.

I hate myself.
I hate everything about me.
Hate everything that makes me... Me.

I tell myself to learn to love myself a bit more each day, only to find the hatred intensifying by the hour each day, everyday.
"Love yourself a little more," they'll say but they never tell me how.
So still I hate myself.

So much so that it scares me.
But what's scarier is that I don't even know why.