most productive yet

Today marks the most productive day of the summer (yet)! Going to the bank, washing all three toilets, ironing all the clothes, cooking dinner, doing the dishes... Having single-handedly done all these jobs made me realize one thing: Being a mother, being mommy is no easy job. For that, she's simply amazing...

Every moment spent with her makes saying goodbye more difficult each day

July 15th

So many times I felt just like a burden; that maybe without my presence in this world, life would have been much easier for them; for him, that by now, he would have been resting...enjoying life. So many times I felt apologetic; I simply felt utterly useless...given that he's invested so much in me, only to amount to so little. 

The past tense used above still remains in the present, because really, I still feel the same about myself.

However, a part of me will always hope that during these sixteen years, I have done him proud. Somehow. 

If not, I hope I will. Someday. 

Here's to 72 years, daddy.

And I'm sorry...for anything at all. 

Happy birthday.

Until now, I still do not know just how it feels like to embrace yourself; to accept yourself and everything about you...to love yourself. 

It's just so hard to... I know it is very contradictory for me to say this, given the advices I have given out to people to do just the same, hence I know how you feel. It's hard, it really is.

As I look into the mirror, I see a reflection of insecurities and flaws; I see clouds and shadows. This is the thing about staying home: I am given too much time alone; too much alone time to wander in my pool of thoughts. Conversely, in school, I am never alone, and these same, old, crazy thoughts would never haunt me.

I miss my friends.

I miss school...

It's been so long since I wrote anything here. But that doesn't mean you've been forgotten, blogger. I'll never forget you...you're my platform for the little voices in my head - Thank you. 

The Longest Ride

"Love requires sacrifice, always" - The Longest Ride


A movie that has really made me cry... And then comes the questions in my head: 

But just how can one love so deeply?

...what is love; how does it feel like?

Because I don't quite know anymore. 

Sweet dreams, x

last four days

I really don't wanna leave just yet... I actually really, really love this place. It's home now... It all feels... I feel - so sad...

The 6am view from up high;

The beautiful city lights

For a moment there, just standing on top of the hill, I felt that anything could happen. 

high school ∞

"It's been a long day, without you my friend...

Last I checked, it was the third to last day of my IGCSEs that I wrote here and eleven days later - I'm back! 

The past month was exhausting, simply mentally draining - waking up early every morning to yet another day of revision, up to the point where the line between what you did not know and what you already knew was blurred, thus the only option available was to simply drill everything into your head and pray. Having dropped a subject already, I saw myself as incapable and an easy victim to difficulties, hence I later knew better than to complain, at least not aloud, regardless of being told otherwise - that Physics was just not my cup of tea or It really is okay to drop a subject. I wish that they're right. Anyhow, it's all over and I can actually heave a sigh of relief and tell you this: I am, kind of, officially done with high school! I've given my all, and I hope my hard work would pay off... Guess I'll have to find out on the 11th of August myself. With that, 

IGCSEs

Have you ever had a conversation with your friends that you find yourselves repeating time after time again and it still doesn't get old? Well, I do. And after four years, four years of talking in as much excitement as a 13-year-old could possibly have in her, the day finally knocked upon her door...and vanished before she could register its presence. To me, it was always imperative that I had a date for such occasions, but if that special someone doesn't make his grand entrée into your life, it wouldn't be special anymore - simply meaningless. I thought wrong. Because the night turned out to be a memorable one for me after all, having my best friend as my "date", as we are all very lonely people.  *hand-covering-face monkey emoji* 

Three hours went pass in a twinkle, but I savored every moment of it, at least I thought I did, in every way possible.

Prom

(4 years later, this day has finally come and gone, it's a sad truth, but it's true: It's over; Prom's over)

It's been two days since I got back from my three-day, ten-person trip to Pahang. I had great fun there. What made me happier was the fact that I found a friend in many people over those short days. People with whom I used to only exchange short glances or nothing at all are now my friends. And for that I'm so happy. Strangers are friends just waiting to happen - a quote that I deeply believe in. Though after this we may never see each other anymore, at least looking back at all these ten years from now, I would know that I once found a friend in you, hence I thank you, for giving me just so much to remember, and just so much to say goodbye to... It hurts, but then again, it's the sad truth. Oui?

Pahang Trip

Almost two weeks ago, Irinah was still filled with our laughter. But day by day, we started leaving. And day by day, the number of us sending them off is getting smaller. And what was once a united force of 15 dwindled to 3 now... I can no longer open my door, look down at a room with countless numbers of slippers outside and go in, knowing that I would be greeted with infinite laughter and happiness. I never knew how big a part they all played in my heart until the time came to part. Was it wrong of me to have taken everything for granted; everyone for granted, and to then have reality hit me hard on my face as I realized that it was my time to let go too, just like everyone else? I thought I had all the time in my hands, but it has dawned on me that I may not see a lot of them again. But... But I'm not ready. 

I'll miss this beautiful school too: the G16 singing-before-add-math-class days, the G18 selfie-in-local-history-class days, the 'redundant'-U13-days-with-Disney, the playing-netball-with-boys-days for PE, the G4-sitting-by-the-window days... The mandatory Wednesday-breakfast-outside days, the after-school-at-tuckshop days, the after-prep-in-the-pantry nights, rock climbing every-Tuesdays-and Thursdays, badminton-on-Sunday-mornings, L11-dinner-plus-walking around the school-feat-Moon Moon/Carol days, basketball-with-the-Imran-boys days, MMM days... Can't you see? All the memories that I've unknowingly created in this school? Have you ever had anything at all that makes saying goodbye so hard? If you do, how did you deal with it? How do you say goodbye...to all these memories? I know life goes on, I know people eventually will leave and forget, I know...and I'm tired of hearing all these because if all these have ever meant something to you, even if they only meant a little - hold on to them. Because...I will. Cherish.

High School

may our paths cross and our stars align someday

till then, it's goodbye

∞

...and I'll tell you all about it till I see you again"

two days!

I feel the excitement and adrenalin flowing all over me like tidal waves! Hence, I'm finding it so hard to focus. Focus, I gotta do add math! Just one more - I'm down to my final paper now (not to mention, the hardest paper)! Just like that... I'll be finishing one small part of my life. Just earlier this morning, it hit me : It's an accomplishment, you see, to undertake IGCSEs, though I'm constantly told that their difficulty is a mere overstatement relative to A Levels and the IB. But those can come later. For now, I'm still in disbelief at how everything is passing by rocket-speed fast. In 2 days, I'll be done with IGCSEs.. In 4 days I'll be going to prom (prom...after 4 years of day dreaming, you're finally here?)... In 18 days, I'll be graduating from high school.... It's all too much to take in. I'm excited, but I'm not ready either.

Lord, I'll follow Your plan, and relish this remarkable ride they call life.

I got all I need when I got you and I
I look around me, and see sweet life
I'm stuck in the dark but You're my flashlight
You're getting me, getting me through the night

Cause You're my flashlight... 

*PS. I really, really have to focus on add maths now... 
Till then, x

      //

When tomorrow comes

I'll be on my own

Feeling frightened of

The things that I don't know

When tomorrow comes

Tomorrow comes

Tomorrow comes..."

Who's my flashlight?

//

6 more days... Hey, hang in there, you've made it thus far.

"That's why... 

I don't know how much more of this I can take anymore. 

I'm not strong, 

I just pretend I am"

他，她

               因为他，女孩改变了所有原本 “象征” 她的一切。然而，男孩对她的改变始终无动于衷。她原以为的独一无二的爱情，其实只不过是自己的一厢情愿。尽管如此，她还是选择紧握着那一份爱不放手，因为她不想失去她和男孩所拥有过的 “曾经”，更不想错过男孩 “脱胎换骨” 的那一天。虽然她心知肚明那一天的到来只不过是她无尽的等待，但是她还是害怕放手。

              “爱与被爱是一种相互的力量”。如果这才算是爱，那么那一段已好几个月，无名分的爱情，只不过是靠女孩那股害怕放手的 “勇气” 维持下来的。有人曾说过：“奋不顾身地去爱一个人是一件幸福的事”。然而，那种幸福她从未得到过。不过，因为男孩的出现，女孩学会了如何去爱一个人，如何去爱一个不懂得珍惜爱情的人。她的心挣扎了好久，身边的朋友都劝导她说：“放手吧，你已经付出了太多，这值得吗？” 最后，女孩从爱情的迷雾里逃了出来。那时候的她终于选择摆脱那一副爱逞强的面具。当时的她，累了，是真的累了。于是，在 2004 年的夏天，女孩做了一件出乎她意料的事：她放手了。

              放手并不是一种失去、一种遗憾。它并不象征虚弱、也不意味着失败。当你选择释放手中的风筝，让它在蔚蓝的空中翱翔，你是在给予它自由，让它飘流到一个更好的地方，去寻找真正的快乐。

              放手不等于放弃。放手，是一种举动， 是一种爱的举动。其实，放手并不可怕。

“ 当那幸福的号志又一如往常的亮起

笑著，放了自己 ”

今晚的天空下起了大雨，滴滴答答的雨声编成了一首美妙的交响曲。疲惫的我投入了床的怀抱，不经意地发现墙上已泛黄了的照片。我心中的涟漪再次被掀起，脑海中的回忆便把我拉回五年前那时天真的我和你。我的眼泪不禁在眼眶里打滚，晶莹剔透的泪水也悄悄地划下我的脸颊。

//

地上的落叶随着风的节拍纷纷卷起，毫无目的地飘向四方。我手中的风筝也正在蔚蓝的空中自由飞翔。我的思绪随着那风筝飘扬，飘到五年前，妈妈还在的日子......

我知道是时候面对事实了，我也知道是时候解下风筝的线让它自由飞翔。我感谢妈妈曾经为我的童年撒下她那快乐的阳光；感谢她在我青春期时点燃我心中的火焰，让我找回了自信和人生价值；感谢她就算带走了一切，却留下了那份永藏与我心底的美好回忆。

但妈妈，我不够勇敢，我没有勇气释放我手中的风筝，没有勇气面对这已发生在五年前的事实。

因此，就让无情的岁月冲淡一切吧，冲淡这道烙印在我胸口的痕迹，让我再次享受快乐的滋味......

悄悄的，悄悄的，我听到：“ 孩子放手吧，让风筝在空中飞翔，让你的心在空中翱翔，你值得真正的快乐......”