There is a particular kind of suffering to be experience when you love something greater than yourself.  A tender sacrifice.

Like the pained silence felt in the lost song of a mermaid; or the bent and broken feet of a ballerina. It is in every considered step I am taking in the opposite direction of you. 

- page 69

Perhaps that is how every mother feels when her child grows up - when it is time to let go...  

Wallflower

Shrinking in a corner

            pressed into a wall;

            do they know I’m present ,

            am I here at all?

Is there a written rule book,

            that tells you how to be –

            all the right things to talk about –

            that everyone has but me?

Slowly I am withering –

            a flower deprived of sun;

            longing to belong to –

            somewhere or someone.

                                                               -  page 31

2016, am I ready for you?

Every day, every hour, ever minute, ever second, I am constantly wishing for something. Little things that do not seem significant. Then again, it is the little things in life that matter most, is it not? It is the little things that, when accumulated over time, have strength in numbers, thus are significant. There are many things that I wish would happen, but I know would never happen, and because of this exact reason, I just keep on wishing. A girl can always dream, right? Hence, I would like to share with you the little things I wish for unconsciously every day. And now that I am conscious about my wishes, I do not know how to make of myself anymore. Anyhow,  

I wish...

I wish that I was smarter 

I wish that I could wake up to mommy 

I wish that I could go home

I wish that I had done better in my exams

I wish that I had raised my hand in class

I wish that I could wake up with amnesia

I wish that I was less shy 

I wish that I would open myself up more 

I wish that I was less afraid of things 

I wish that I would stop those thoughts

I wish that I was happier

I wish to not see tomorrow anymore... 

2016... You start me off with so many wonders, so many thoughts.

I have a good feeling about this year ahead; I have a bad feeling about this year ahead. 

I do not feel eighteen, yet I must act eighteen. 

I don't know anymore. 

It is my last night in California. I love Los Angeles. I have fallen in love with the family whose home I have stayed in for the past eighteen days. I have fallen in love with Disneyland - so magical, left me feeling ten years younger. I have fallen in love with the city lights and skyscrapers and steep roads and residential houses and passers-by in San Francisco. 

These eighteen days have been one of the best eighteen days in eighteen years of my life - the highlight of my life thus far. I feel like I have grown up, that I have found a purpose to live. But how long this positivity would last I have no idea. At least for now, these are my thoughts...

As much as I miss home, as much as I long to see their faces, I am glad that they could not afford to pay for the plane tickets, and I had not given in to the homesickness. Perhaps it has all been part of the Lord's plan. I hope He has planned for a beautiful year ahead of me... A year of joy and hope. A year of constant happiness. 

Los Angeles, I miss you already. You have made me not want to go back to school. I wish I could stay.

I hope the Trinh family will have me back sometime soon. Thank you for everything...

           Here's to a "happy new year"

             Here's to 2016

            For all of us... 

                        Until then ∞

I wish for happiness...for everybody. I wish to be happy. 

Merry Christmas. I miss home... 

It is ridiculous to think just how long it has been since the last time I checked in here...but this does not mean that I had not thought about doing so, and also, I had definitely not forgotten about you, Blogger! It's just... I was at a loss for words. So many things have happened - I went to Grand Canyon and it simply took my breath away, I recently had a trip to Santa Fe and it was like nothing that I have ever seen before, fall was long since gone and winter has arrived... And I am really just scratching the surface of things! Everyday, I learn something new, and it is through all the knowledges that I accumulate, I find myself mentally piecing these puzzles together, and I realize that everyday, I also learn more about myself - and at the end of my two years here, I might actually get a complete jigsaw puzzle, in which lies all the moments that I have lived, all the people whom I have met, and all the stories that I have heard...about the world, about life. I am unable to pinpoint my exact emotion now, but if gratitude is something that can be felt by the heart, that would be it. 

Have courage and be kind

Have courage and be kind

Have courage and be kind... 

...what I tell myself every day, every night

Life is worth living again

Another day

Life is worth living again

//

And you've given me the best gift

That I've ever known

You give me purpose everyday 

You give me purpose in every way

I love it here, I really do

that sunday night

Sunday night was the night of the full moon; it was the night of the "Howling", the only tradition that UWC-USA has retained since its establishment in 1982, until today. We, the first-years were told nothing more than to dress in black from head to toe, and to stay in the day room in complete silence until further instructions. The suspense was killing everyone, I could tell. After fifteen minutes or thereabouts, we were led the way by two of our second-years. As we exited the castle, standing on the handles of each step were our second-years, dressed in black (some even with sunglasses, others with masks). As we passed by the lower campus, there were second-years everywhere, some sitting, some standing, some in squatting positions. Nobody was talking. The second-years...they simply looked through us, with no single trace of an expression on their faces - I was the last one in line, and as I passed them by, they started following behind me too, one by one they followed. Nothing but the shuffling of footsteps could be heard. Given that the castle was the farthest dorm from the field, we were the last ones to reach, during which all the first-years were huddled up at the centre of the field, as the second-years formed a circle around us. It was ten at night. The full moon was our only source of light; It really was the only source that we needed, given how bright it was. 

Suddenly, the silence was broken, as a second-year spoke. I could not remember everything that was recited that night under the full moon, but I did remember the last few words that were said before...before hell broke loose, and it went something like this:

We are all wolves, you and I. And you were chosen to come here to join our pack. Together we stand tonight under the full moon, as a pack. And together we will run to the garden of Mukul's house and we will howl at the moon and the stars and the night sky, as a pack... Let's go!

Before I knew it, everyone was running. I found my legs running. In the dark. In the cold. I could not make out who was who, but together we all ran towards the same direction, cutting past bushes and weeds, together we ran. And together, we stopped. Everyone started howling. As a pack, a pack of wolves. 

It was a combination of Twilight and The Hunger Games and Divergent... We were infinite. 
And it was that same night that I realized... I had never loved this school even more. 
I actually felt infinite then. 

On that same night was also the mid-autumn festival, the "mooncake festival", so to speak. Being the only Malaysian Chinese, I really didn't think I would have anybody close to home to celebrate this festival with... Little did I know that that exact same night I would be spending it with firstly people from China, then I would go moon-gazing with people from Hong Kong. But those were what I did exactly, because they said to me, "Of course you can join us, we're family!". 

Sitting at the tennis court, with a gigantic blanket wrapped around me, we ate mooncakes and drank hot tea and listened to Cantonese songs, simply talking about anything and everything. Until it was way past midnight and we were starting to freeze. That night, it then dawned on me, they are the closest ones to home than I could possibly have.

See...? Don't you see...?

New Mexico, ¡eres hermosa!

Until then, 

xx

anybody...?

[A conversation between Hong Kong and Nepal]

"Why do you put your own photo as the background picture of your phone? Who does that...?!"

"Because I love myself! If you don't love yourself, who else will?" 

Hearing this just makes me wonder...that there is just so much to wonder about life... Because really, loving yourself...? What is there to love? How do you love? Why do you love? 

How will I ever know these answers...?

Is there somebody, anybody? 

twenty things

Time flies here, it seemed to me that the week just started and it is now the weekend already. I've already been here for over a month and the beauty here never ceases to amaze me each day. 

I never imagined myself being ever able:

1. to see a sky full of stars
2. to see the milky way 
3. to witness five shooting stars in one night
4. to lie down on top of a water reservoir to do 1 and 2
5. to live in the wilderness 
6. to do 5 with people from Germany, Mexico, Switzerland, Egypt, England, Russia and the Bahamas
7. to reach the peak of a mountain
8. to sit on the roof of a bus with twenty other people
9. to wash buses and fix bicycles and change car tyres every Wednesday
10. to make lunch and wash dishes in the cafeteria kitchen
11. to enter a tattoo parlour and watch the entire process of tattoo-making
12. to befriend people from seventy-five and more countries
13. to live in a castle
14. to be able to communicate (almost fluently) in Cantonese!
15. to do online shopping for the very first time (bought a pair of boots online, myself just now!!)
16. to buy plane tickets online for the very first time (bought plane tickets online, myself just now!!!)
17. to be oh so happy that I am a Malaysian
18. to miss family, to miss friends - to miss home
19. to feel so blessed with my life right now...

20. ...but to feel so empty and painful on the inside as well

I never thought, in just a little bit over a month, I was able to do and feel so much. Now I guess it is possible. "Your life really has just begun" - You cannot be more right, mommy. 

just what more can you ask for upon witnessing such beauty...?

answer is, nothing

I have just taken a huge step in my life. And I guess, I guess I am finally growing up now.

But it isn't easy.

"Las Vegas"

'Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder', true, but such beauty I believe is genuinely beautiful, and I was lucky enough to witness it yesterday. This place does not cease to amaze me bit by bit each day.  

Once again, I wish they were here to see all of these too.

very often, the beauty of black and white is neglected; 

very often, they are the ones that contain the utmost beauty

Until then, xx

this is all getting out of hand, but there is no one to tell...all there is left to do is to slowly die inside, unless this monster decides to take all of me and swallow me whole, I can only stay silent.