It is ridiculous to think just how long it has been since the last time I checked in here...but this does not mean that I had not thought about doing so, and also, I had definitely not forgotten about you, Blogger! It's just... I was at a loss for words. So many things have happened - I went to Grand Canyon and it simply took my breath away, I recently had a trip to Santa Fe and it was like nothing that I have ever seen before, fall was long since gone and winter has arrived... And I am really just scratching the surface of things! Everyday, I learn something new, and it is through all the knowledges that I accumulate, I find myself mentally piecing these puzzles together, and I realize that everyday, I also learn more about myself - and at the end of my two years here, I might actually get a complete jigsaw puzzle, in which lies all the moments that I have lived, all the people whom I have met, and all the stories that I have heard...about the world, about life. I am unable to pinpoint my exact emotion now, but if gratitude is something that can be felt by the heart, that would be it. 

Have courage and be kind

Have courage and be kind

Have courage and be kind... 

...what I tell myself every day, every night

Life is worth living again

Another day

Life is worth living again

//

And you've given me the best gift

That I've ever known

You give me purpose everyday 

You give me purpose in every way

I love it here, I really do

that sunday night

Sunday night was the night of the full moon; it was the night of the "Howling", the only tradition that UWC-USA has retained since its establishment in 1982, until today. We, the first-years were told nothing more than to dress in black from head to toe, and to stay in the day room in complete silence until further instructions. The suspense was killing everyone, I could tell. After fifteen minutes or thereabouts, we were led the way by two of our second-years. As we exited the castle, standing on the handles of each step were our second-years, dressed in black (some even with sunglasses, others with masks). As we passed by the lower campus, there were second-years everywhere, some sitting, some standing, some in squatting positions. Nobody was talking. The second-years...they simply looked through us, with no single trace of an expression on their faces - I was the last one in line, and as I passed them by, they started following behind me too, one by one they followed. Nothing but the shuffling of footsteps could be heard. Given that the castle was the farthest dorm from the field, we were the last ones to reach, during which all the first-years were huddled up at the centre of the field, as the second-years formed a circle around us. It was ten at night. The full moon was our only source of light; It really was the only source that we needed, given how bright it was. 

Suddenly, the silence was broken, as a second-year spoke. I could not remember everything that was recited that night under the full moon, but I did remember the last few words that were said before...before hell broke loose, and it went something like this:

We are all wolves, you and I. And you were chosen to come here to join our pack. Together we stand tonight under the full moon, as a pack. And together we will run to the garden of Mukul's house and we will howl at the moon and the stars and the night sky, as a pack... Let's go!

Before I knew it, everyone was running. I found my legs running. In the dark. In the cold. I could not make out who was who, but together we all ran towards the same direction, cutting past bushes and weeds, together we ran. And together, we stopped. Everyone started howling. As a pack, a pack of wolves. 

It was a combination of Twilight and The Hunger Games and Divergent... We were infinite. 
And it was that same night that I realized... I had never loved this school even more. 
I actually felt infinite then. 

On that same night was also the mid-autumn festival, the "mooncake festival", so to speak. Being the only Malaysian Chinese, I really didn't think I would have anybody close to home to celebrate this festival with... Little did I know that that exact same night I would be spending it with firstly people from China, then I would go moon-gazing with people from Hong Kong. But those were what I did exactly, because they said to me, "Of course you can join us, we're family!". 

Sitting at the tennis court, with a gigantic blanket wrapped around me, we ate mooncakes and drank hot tea and listened to Cantonese songs, simply talking about anything and everything. Until it was way past midnight and we were starting to freeze. That night, it then dawned on me, they are the closest ones to home than I could possibly have.

See...? Don't you see...?

New Mexico, ¡eres hermosa!

Until then, 

xx

anybody...?

[A conversation between Hong Kong and Nepal]

"Why do you put your own photo as the background picture of your phone? Who does that...?!"

"Because I love myself! If you don't love yourself, who else will?" 

Hearing this just makes me wonder...that there is just so much to wonder about life... Because really, loving yourself...? What is there to love? How do you love? Why do you love? 

How will I ever know these answers...?

Is there somebody, anybody? 

twenty things

Time flies here, it seemed to me that the week just started and it is now the weekend already. I've already been here for over a month and the beauty here never ceases to amaze me each day. 

I never imagined myself being ever able:

1. to see a sky full of stars
2. to see the milky way 
3. to witness five shooting stars in one night
4. to lie down on top of a water reservoir to do 1 and 2
5. to live in the wilderness 
6. to do 5 with people from Germany, Mexico, Switzerland, Egypt, England, Russia and the Bahamas
7. to reach the peak of a mountain
8. to sit on the roof of a bus with twenty other people
9. to wash buses and fix bicycles and change car tyres every Wednesday
10. to make lunch and wash dishes in the cafeteria kitchen
11. to enter a tattoo parlour and watch the entire process of tattoo-making
12. to befriend people from seventy-five and more countries
13. to live in a castle
14. to be able to communicate (almost fluently) in Cantonese!
15. to do online shopping for the very first time (bought a pair of boots online, myself just now!!)
16. to buy plane tickets online for the very first time (bought plane tickets online, myself just now!!!)
17. to be oh so happy that I am a Malaysian
18. to miss family, to miss friends - to miss home
19. to feel so blessed with my life right now...

20. ...but to feel so empty and painful on the inside as well

I never thought, in just a little bit over a month, I was able to do and feel so much. Now I guess it is possible. "Your life really has just begun" - You cannot be more right, mommy. 

just what more can you ask for upon witnessing such beauty...?

answer is, nothing

I have just taken a huge step in my life. And I guess, I guess I am finally growing up now.

But it isn't easy.

"Las Vegas"

'Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder', true, but such beauty I believe is genuinely beautiful, and I was lucky enough to witness it yesterday. This place does not cease to amaze me bit by bit each day.  

Once again, I wish they were here to see all of these too.

very often, the beauty of black and white is neglected; 

very often, they are the ones that contain the utmost beauty

Until then, xx

this is all getting out of hand, but there is no one to tell...all there is left to do is to slowly die inside, unless this monster decides to take all of me and swallow me whole, I can only stay silent. 

A lesson finds the common denominator and links us all together, like a chain. At the end of the chain dangles a clock, and on the face of the clock the passing of time is registered. We hear it, the hushed tick-rock sound that breaks any silence, and we see it, but often we don't feel it. Each second makes its mark on every single person's life; comes and then goes, quietly disappearing without fanfare, evaporating into air like steam from a piping hot Christmas pudding. 

Time is more precious than gold, more precious than diamonds, we do not have enough of it; it is time that causes the war within our hearts, and so we must spend it wisely. Time cannot be packaged and ribboned and left under trees for Christmas morning. Time can't be given. But it can be shared. 

As I look up at a sky full of stars tonight, I actually feel very lucky to be where I am today... 
Perhaps they are right - magic does happen in this castle. 
And I hope I am lucky enough to witness a miracle in my next two years here. 

I would have snapped a few worthy shots, but with a broken phone, it was to no avail. 
I promise to let you look through my eyes next time, Blogger. 
Here's hoping for more happy moments as such. 

After spending a week here, tonight might just mark the start of something new...in a good way.
*smiles*

Until then, 
sweet dreams
xx

Because you're a sky, you're a sky full of stars

Such a heavenly view

You're such a heavenly view

Coldplay

(the song that popped into my head at that moment)

start of something new

Dear Blogger,

I think it is about time that I filled you in about a huge part of my life... At the end of last year, I decided to give the college that everyone claimed to be really hard to get in a shot - just so it would give me a taste on how it was to apply to university in the future. And out of sheer luck, I got accepted... A fact that up until today, even as I am typing away furiously on my laptop within the precincts of the castle building, is still as surreal to me as the night I received the phone call. Everything is so unrealistic, and I still pinch myself every now and then, wondering just when I would be pulled back to reality - it never happened.

Out of the 7 (or it might have been 9) candidates who were chosen, why was it that the national committee assigned me to the campus in the States is beyond me, for as of this moment, it still remains a question that I long the answer for. America... Blogger, do you know how much America means to me? Ever since I was a little girl, back to the Disney Channel and High School Musical days, I have been fantasising to live in this beautiful country, to be part of it. *smiles* I still remember lying against my bedroom wall, crying in my knees everyday when I was 13, praying that daddy would just send me there immediately - no such luck.

Here I am... At seventeen, all alone in this beautiful country of my dreams, of which I would be spending the next two years, and hopefully more, here. But I miss home immensely, Blogger... But really I just miss mommy the most. I miss her so, so much it hurts. I like it here, but it is all so overwhelming, though that feeling is subsiding ever so slowly. I miss walking down to her room to see her still in bed, feeling a sense of pride given that this never happens very often; I miss how she would very quickly brush her teeth, wash her face and bring along her facial products to the dining room just because she knows that I am hungry every breakfast; I miss how she would squeeze next to me in my bed and just spend the night there; I miss how much effort she puts in her cooking to make sure that she satisfies my appetite, despite the fact that time after time again I would push away her act of kindness... I miss everything about her, and to think that I can only see her in a year's time hurts me so much, Blogger... My tears cannot help themselves but pour down my cheeks every time I think of her. I've never missed home more; I've never loved mommy more than I do now. I miss her so, so much.

Everyone here is so nice and I have made a few good friends, but the loneliness in my chest is unavoidable. My appetite has shrunk so much, it is as though my taste buds are failing me. I am happy to be in my dream country, and very often I try to think of just how lucky I am to be living my dreams as according to mommy, my life has really only just begun. But it is also hard to put on that smile for too long, you know? I may seem strong, but I am not. I never was, and I never will be...

You never really know just how much someone means to you until they are no longer by your side. And when that happens, it hurts so much... Have courage and be kind. Have courage and be kind. Have courage and be kind. Have cou-

Courage...the one thing that I do not have right now.

it is at times like this that I feel lucky...

if only you were here to see magic happen in this castle with me, 

mommy and daddy

I love you... 

I should stop here before these tears flow any longer. There you go, Blogger - here's a big part of my life that I am entrusting you with. 

Until then,

xx

constant as the stars above

Hey there...

Constant as the stars above
Always know that you are lovedAnd my love shining in you
Will help you make your dreams come true
Will help your dreams come true

I guess I still am, and always will be, a Barbie girl at heart - for even after seventeen years, Barbie movies never fail to leave a smile on my face in the end. 
It's been so long since I checked in here, Blogger. It's been a very busy summer for me, with everyday being very productive in and out of home. With only nine days left, my time here is numbered. I wish to say more, but I am at a loss of words... I promise to write more when I am more ready to share my inner thoughts with you. 

Until then, it is good night for me now. Sweet dreams, you, whoever you may be till today

Barbie as Rapunzel

"Love and imagination can change the world" 

Actually, it can change your world.

Till then.