Sad

I've never stopped halfway in a race before. But I did just that four days ago. Wrapping my arms around my legs, I buried my head and gave in to the exhaustion that's killing me inside. I can't run anymore, and I know I've brought this to myself. 

I can't run anymore. I can't run anymore. I can't run anymore. Sitting at the stands, I see people running around the field, again and again. I used to be able to do that. I should be the one there, feeling my legs against the soft ground and the wind blowing my hair over my face. But I'm not. And I don't think I will be for inter-house athletics this year.

I've been feeling so dizzy these days, these few weeks, these few months. It's getting worse each day.

I'm weak. Im tired. I'm sick. 

I cried again earlier. And I want to cry again now. 

I want to go home. I don't want to stay in school. 

I don't know what to do. I'm tired of pretending to be happy when I'm not.

I'm just so sad.

"我想要变成回忆,退出了这场生命"

If

//

累了 照惯例努力清醒着
也照惯例想你了
好怕一放心睡了
心跳在梦中 不听话的 就停止了

听着 呼吸像浪潮拍动着
越美丽越让我忐忑
我还能珍惜什么
如果我连自己的脉搏 都难掌握

快乐 什么时候会结束呢
哪一刻是最后一刻
想把你紧紧抱着
可知你是我生命中的 最舍不得

如果我变成回忆 退出了这场生命
留下你错愕哭泣
我冰冷身体 拥抱不了你
想到我让深爱的你人海孤独旅行
我会恨自己 如此狠心

如果我变成回忆 最怕我太不争气
顽固的赖在空气 霸占你心里 每一寸缝隙
连累依然爱我的你痛苦 承受失去
这样不公平 请你尽力 把我忘记

//

So much prep, so little time.

How is this possible? 

Oops

The weather is simply unbearable these few days. Sitting under an already-rapidly-spinning fan, I am typing, with much fear for an imminent sunstroke!

Today marks the last day of yet another exeat in KTJ, but truth be told, I've had fun staying in school these 3 days. And here are the five reasons why:

5. Stayed up till 1.30a.m. on both days being productive at my prep desk
4. Actually spent 'quality' time bonding with friends, unlike during the usual hectic school days
3. With such limited time at the mall with mommy, I actually cherished every single hour of her company
2. Learned that nothing beats family...
1. I had the whole room all to myself for 2 whole nights!

However, the thought of my unfinished homework and assignments are weighing down on me now but I am 'placing them neatly aside' to catch up on some jogging I've missed out - I will get back to them after dinner, I'll have to!

But before that, I just feel like trailing back to the past -

 back to the "new girl" days

to the brace-faced days

 and to the long hair days

Time is passing by too fast,
And my days in school are numbered.

Every single day I can feel that, I know that, I am faulting, learning, growing.
And every single day I am this much closer to knowing how it feels to be happy again.

But sadly, I have to say bye-bye to my laptop for two weeks now, the reason for this confiscation is resulted in my updating this blog during prep time.  Oops!

Dear New Year Resolution, I have you to blame! *chuckles*

Update!

Update, update, update on my life.

So about the run I mentioned on Sunday, guess what? I really did manage to do 9 rounds in one hour! Hence it leaves me with 15 people to track down for money - and it's all going to donation of course. After which I was invited to attend Jawahir's 20th Anniversary in the Corus Hotel - a great experience indeed. Sitting at my seat, I was captivated, mesmerized, starstruck... Beautiful. Everyone was so beautiful. You should have seen them, I'm telling you boys, them girls are gonna break hearts someday. *giggles* I wish Irinah could have their very own 20th Anniversary celebration too sometime soon, as it was built in the same year as Jawahir. Just the thought of having one and inviting all my good friends and dressing up is so exhilarating, hard work and effort and preparation aside that is.

Today.
Today was a hectic day... I had to wake up at 4.50 in the morning to do some continued revision (from yesterday and the days before) for my English and Literature tests that were both held today. I love those two subjects, but cramming two of them in a day can be a little too overwhelming. Lucky for me I succeeded in answering both the papers, fingers-crossed that I had met what was required. Straight after school was my one-hour piano lesson (swapped my time with Sophie) and immidiately after that, I had to rush to the swimming pool for my after-school activities - got changed and quickly immersed myself in chlorine water. The weather was scorching, even as I was doing my freestyle warm-ups, I could feel the blazing sun beating down on my already-weather-beaten skin that I try so hard to take care of! With no sign of rain this whole week, I fear we're facing a drought very soon. Coming back to my day today, oh yes, it's been so long since I had some really tough (and by tough I mean really tough) swimming drills until today of course. Hence, I was drained completely at 6p.m., then came dinner and prep time and finally some sleep.

Sleep.
I need that. Sleep is catching up on me. I shall put my earphones on again and allow my muscles and nerves to finally unwind after such an exhausting day. Even exhausting would be an understatement, given my current situation. I'm dead beat.

Earphones.
Speaking of which, I've downloaded many good songs during prep time today. Good night for now, it's time for me to enjoy some music and have another night of rest!



11 hours, I'm rendered speechless.

Run, Run, Run

There's this charity run in my school whereby we are given one hour to jog around the school compound and just one round is over 1km long. As it's for charity, we need to have people to sponsor us for every round that we do, e.g Lets just say that I did a total of 10 rounds in an hour's time and if Amy was to sponsor me RM2 for every round I make, she would have to donate RM20 in total! The number of sponsorers that one should have is really optional, hence I've only got 15, all of whom are my closest friends. Among the 15, there's quite a few who were generous enough to sponsor me RM2 per round! It isn't the amount of money they are willing to sponsor that delights me, but their magnanimous hearts, so thank you. :)

It's my first time participating in such sporting events so I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous and excited, because I currently am. However, putting all those emotions aside, there's this one thing that I've got drilled into my head, by my dad and my friends, ever since Cross Country - the most important thing is to just enjoy yourself and try your best. Jogging is my hobby. Not a pressure. See? I've learnt my lesson now! *pats myself on the back*

But I still wonder just how many rounds I can do in one hour! The last time I tried, I managed to do 9 rounds, I wish I could maintain the same way today too. I'd better go get ready cos I am supposed to be gathering in front of Nadza at 6.45. Oops. 

Wish me luck, I'll be needing that! 

*P.S and I hope we get to listen to music while we run! (Songs on shuffle mode, that is!) 

Song Hunt

I currently do not have the one song that is stuck in my head like sticky honey. It's been a long time since I had that longing to drop all that I'm doing, put on my earphones and just let the melody of the song take me away from reality. I would put that song on repeat, again and again I'd listen to it, each time with a different scenario in my head - a scenario that varies with my mood at that particular moment, really.

To me, the only way that a song can hit the highest in my chart, as in it is listened to the most number of times, is when it is sung in a language that is foreign to my ears. This way I will never get bored of the lyrics, and I shall forever be kept in suspense as to what the song is about. But really? That's the beauty of it all - to not understand. Some things are better left unsaid, in this case, untranslated. Don't bother trying to find out what the lyrics mean. Let your heart take you to where it wants to go. Sometimes, it's better to not know, to not care. You'll feel happier this way.

But I still don't have a favorite song right now! However, there's this song that shall always be in my ":)" playlist, at least in hindsight! It's a Korean song, written especially for The Heirs (if you are reading this and haven't watched it, I demand you watch...now!) It's in Korean, which means I don't understand 99% of the song, which means every time when I listen to it I get a different emotion, which means I always have it on repeat hence it's standing at the highest on my chart.

Because I don't understand, it's beautiful.
It's beautiful because I don't understand.
Same thing! *laughs*

Have a listen to it. Because the moment I publish this post and pop my earphones into my tiny earholes, this song shall be the first I listen to, before finally drifting off to the arms of Morphous.
I'm tired. Sleep is catching up on me now. I think it's time I slept.
So good night.
*I still am on a song-hunt! Any recommendations?*


Only With My Heart
-The Heirs

...

What have I done

I wish I could run 

Away from this ship going under

Just trying to help 

Hurt everyone else

Now I feel the weight of the world is

On my shoulders 

What can you do 

When your good isn't good enough

And all that you touch tumbles down

My best intentions keep

Making a mess of me

I just wanna fix it somehow

But how many times will it take

How many times will it take for me

To get it right

What have I done? 

Believe

I have learned to let go of past grudges, to forgive harsh remarks, to apologize (silently) for my ignorance... I've got them back together and I can't afford to wreck things up - for I don't have it in me to endure so much hurt anymore, so this time I'm not losing them again. Though words do nothing to make amends to what has already happened, still I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

no more complaints of loneliness, for I have them by my side

 there's no me without you, both of you

 “婆婆，我们来拍照吧！”

“哈哈哈，来拍照啊！”

a bundle of joy all the way from China

mommy, I'm sorry

And you, yes you, you've been a great help.
"You can do it," you said to me. So thank you for believing.

Everything starts from something

But something would be nothing

Nothing if your heart didn't dream with me

Where would I be

If you didn't believe 

                                                             

 Believe, Justin Bieber

Love your family. Before you rebel, bear in mind that they want nothing but the best for you...

If Only

What are you unhappy about?
Why are you still not happy?

I don't know.
I really don't know.

But if only you knew just what I'm going through now, you wouldn't ask me those questions again.

Trail Back

I realize that this blog is overwhelmed with sadness. I shall enlighten it with some happiness. So let us trail back to the past, shall we?

my first ever encounter with my grandmother in Hong Kong

a day out with mommy 

toys, toys, toys!

meet William, a friend whom I have known for my whole life and who will hate me for the rest of my life if he ever sees this!

because pointing at the camera is just way better than the portraits on the wall, daddy

I was such a poser... 

...but I couldn't care less.

and many years later...

this is me.

Do you see the resemblance?