cross again

Was it really my last day?

I've learnt a lot, laughed a lot, all this while. And it's them who showed me so.

Hence already I'm missing everyone.
A little too much, I would say.
But I guess this is life.

But I hope, oh I hope -
I'm missed dearly too...

I pray for your happiness, and that, someday somehow,
Our stars may cross.

Again.

"all about us"

And this is my new favorite too ♡

I should start walking back. Break time is almost up, oops.

 

// 

Take my hand, I'll teach you to dance.

I'll spin you around, won't let you fall down.

Would you let me lead? You can step on my feet.

Give it a try, it'll be alright

The room's hush hush and now's our moment.

Take it in, feel it all and hold it

Eyes on you, eyes on me.

We're doing this right.

'Cause lovers dance when they're feeling in love

Spotlight's shining. It's all about us

It's oh, oh, all

About uh, uh, us

And every heart in the room will melt

This is a feeling I've never felt

But it's all about us

Suddenly I'm feeling brave

Don't know what's got into me

Why I feel this way

Can we dance real slow?

Can I hold you real close?

The room's hush hush and now's our moment

Take it in, feel it all and hold it

Eyes on you, eyes on me

We're doing this right

Do you hear that love? They're playing our song

Do you think we're ready? Oh, I'm really feeling it

Do you hear that love? Do you hear that love?

Do you hear that love? They're playing our song

Do you think we're ready yet? Oh, I'm really feeling it

Do you hear that love? Do you hear that love?

Do you hear that love? They're playing our song

Do you think we're ready yet? Oh, I'm really feeling it

Do you hear that love? Do you hear that love?

Lovers dance when they're feeling in love

Spotlight's shining. It's all about us

It's oh, oh, all

Every heart in the room will melt

This is a feeling I've never felt

But it's all about us

'Cause lovers dance when they're feeling in love

Spotlight's shining. It's all about us

It's oh, oh, all (about us)

Hey, hey, hey

(And every heart in the room will melt)

This is a feeling I've never felt

But it's all, it's all about us

// 

I feel free... And it feels good. Yeah, pretty good.

somewhere, somehow

And I'm not anticipating school. I don't think I'm prepared for a new term, for form 5. I haven't even registered that I'm fifteen no longer, but a year older now.

"Sixteen is the same as fifteen. Just one year older" - Ryan 

Is that how it feels? I guess he is right. But I don't want it to be like fifteen. I want it to be better, nicer. Happier. :) 

Everyone makes a big deal out of the big word "sweet sixteen". I wonder why. Why sixteen? Of all ages? 

It's my last year of high school and I might as well get a good one, at sixteen, yes? 

But that doesn't make me any more excited for school, because I am not. At all. Funny. Coming from a girl who counted down the days to the day of uniform and homework and teachers. I miss my friends, but not what comes with the package. 

And airplanes scare me... In one day, a few friends are in a plane flying back to Malaysia, back home. And they have made it here safe and sound. For that, thank You... For having your hands upon them. I don't know what's going on... But whatever it is, I pray that nothing of such happens... Again. People were coming back for Raya! To unite with their family... Some only because the route was more convenient than the alternative. Others because their parents told them so, to board the plane and anticipate a lovely summer vacation... Why? Why them? Why must it be those innocent souls who had a reason to live?

Somewhere, their families should be wondering this too - why?  

This saddens me too. 

"I close my eyes and pray..."

shyly happy

Hello there.

Guilt has been calling on me every now and then for not writing here enough. And for the very first time, I am not lost in books, but a glass of hot soy milk. Each sip I take feels like seventh heaven really, as the rich liquid travels first down my throat, down my trachea, past my oesophagus... I'm no bio student, figure the rest out yourself! *smiling* 

Five hours of walking back and forth doesn't feel exhausting until I sit down. That's when it hits me. I guess I'm pretty worn out, at least my legs are doing all the complaining. But I'm only left with two more days... With the people whom I am proud to call "family", in a way. It's always like that, isn't it? Just when you thought you could stay there forever, it's time to say goodbye, to part ways, with a fat chance that your path may never cross theirs anymore. It feels so much like a video game, the unfamiliarity of the highways as you start to steer the wheel, followed by the increasing exhilaration at the peak, then the game over sign just pops before you, insinuating that it's time you left. That's how I'm feeling now. I don't see the sign just yet, I'm at the peak, making swift turns and decelerating mountain hills without a care for the world. But soon, real soon, it's my turn to leave the car seat too. To face homework after homework after homework - to face my real life. 

But! There's always buts in life, remember? I would love to share with you my day some 72 hours ago...

I'm not giving away much details but it was merely another tiring day at work and nobody was up for much talking. with pretty much everybody, all supposedly waiting for a pep talk that never existed hehe - hence they just indulged in their phones, whilst I popped my earphones and allowed some music to lead me to my own reverie. Until it was broken by this... It was all half an hour early but I'm not complaining. :) I felt their sincerity.

And I hope the picture does the rest of the talking for I have none to offer... So leave me be. *smiling*


I was happy. Yeah, I was shyly happy.

is it?

Why do we live in a world in which revolves around the theif of our happiness? Why must the amount of money determine the quality of our lives? If this is what entering reality rewards me, I don't want it. 

But I do have dreams. Dreams that I wish to achieve sometime from now, whatever they may be. But for now, what I do know is that those dreams are built under one fundamental factor... Happiness. 

They work so hard, yet their diligence amounts to so little. So, so little. Yet, in the other side of the world I was pandered to my wants and needs... But growing up, I still wanted more. How could I have been so ungrateful? It's so hard to survive. I know now. I see it. I get it. I feel it. This is reality. This is life. But with all that, please don't take my happiness away...

But I guess life is unfair, isn't it? 

This is not how growing up should be.

Is it?

Because it saddens me...

This emptiness... It saddens me. Haha. Good night. 

beating heart

Doing the 9am shift today, and before the day officially starts, I just must share this song here... My new favorite, I guess. Listen to it, oh do listen to it. In fact, for those who haven't, watch the movie... You won't regret it, at least I didn't! *fingers-crossed*

//

Eyes make their peace in difficulties

With wounded lips and salted cheeks

And finally we step to leave

To the departure lounge of disbelief

And I don't know where I'm going

But I know it's gonna be a long time

And I'll be leaving in the morning

Come the white wine bitter sunlight

Wanna hear your beating heart tonight

Before the bleeding sun comes alive

I want to make the best of what is left, hold tight

And hear my beating heart one last time

Before daylight

In the canyon underneath the trees

Behind the dark sky, you looked at me

I fell for you like autumn leaves 

Never faded, evergreen

And I don't know where I'm going

But I know it's gonna be a long time

'Cause I'll be leaving in the morning

Come the white wine bitter sunlight

Wanna hear your beating heart tonight

Before the bleeding sun comes alive

I want to make the best of what is left, hold tight

And hear my beating heart one last time

I can't face this now everything has changed

I just wanna be by your side, here's hoping we collide

Here's hoping we collide

Here's hoping we collide

Wanna hear your beating heart tonight

Before the bleeding sun comes alive

I want to make the best of what is left, hold tight

And hear my beating heart one last time

Wanna hear your beating heart tonight

//

Divergent... ♡

The emptiness in my stomach is inevitable, to think that taking up a job could, partly, fill up some empty spaces on the inside - it did though, guess its effect is just starting to subside. 

This emptiness... I can't quite pinpoint just how it feels, but I feel it. And am feeling it as I type. It is this muffled, aching pain that tugs at my chest every now and then, unwilling to succumb to my demand to just stop, please stop...

I wonder why I'm feeling this way, though I feel happy. At least I think I'm happy... How does happiness feel anyway? If it were to be described in black and white? I doubt there is one accurate definition for it, but I wish there was, and that someone would tell me. I want to know. 

I guess I just need someone to talk to. I need my best friend now... Why must you be a hundred thousand (possibly more) miles away from me at this time? I guess I just want to talk. To let this, whatever it may be, all out. I can't wait for you to be back... In the meantime, writing here is all I can do I guess.

Better clock out now, mommy is waiting for me down in the car park. Time to go home... Just like that - one day gone. 

do I?

Hello there.

Been thinking about a good way to kickstart this particular post... 

And I think I've got it. However, prior to that, it's just a little bit about me first. Work has been good, and already in the 11 days of my working there, I have seen, literally, the same familiar faces for three to four times already! And each time they eat there, very coincidentally I will be serving them - probably a privilege in itself. 

It's daddy's birthday today... I never know just quite what to say in special occasions like such, especially in front of the people who love me, and that's the two people with whom I find difficulty in articulating my thoughts (and you would think that they worked hard to send me to school to receive a proper education which educates me to do proper speaking)... *smiling* 

So I will think of something to say. I will. In the meantime, happy happy birthday... Daddy. 

Also, here's a song that is rather different from most songs... And I hope it teaches everyone just something. Please, have a listen. 

//

Oooh

Oooh

Put your make up on

Get your nails done

Curl your hair

Run the extra mile

Keep it slim so they like you, do they like you?

Get your sexy on

Don't be shy, girl

Take it off

This is what you want, to belong, so they like you

Do you like you?

You don't have to try so hard

You don't have to give it all away

You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up

You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try, try, try, try

You don't have to try, try, try, try

You don't have to try, try, try, try

You don't have to try

Yooou don't have to try

Oooh

Oooh

Get your shopping on, at the mall, max your credit cards

You don't have to choose, buy it all, so they like you

Do they like you?

Wait a second,

Why should you care, what they think of you

When you're all alone, by yourself, do you like you?

Do you like you?

You don't have to try so hard

You don't have to give it all away

You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up

You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try so hard

You don't have to bend until you break

You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up

You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try, try, try, try

You don't have to try, try, try, try

You don't have to try, try, try, try

You don't have to try

You don't have to try, try, try, try

You don't have to try, try, try, try

You don't have to try, try, try, try

You don't have to try

Yooou don't have to try

Noooo

Oooh

You don't have to try so hard

You don't have to give it all away

You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up

You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try, try, try, try

You don't have to try, try, try, try

You don't have to try

You don't have to try

Take your make up off

Let your hair down

Take a breath

Look into the mirror, at yourself

Don't you like you?

Cause I like you

//

Try, Colbie Caillat 

So don't you like you? 

And do I like me?

okay

" I see your monsters, I see your pain.
Tell me your problems, I'll chase them away.
I'll be your lighthouse. I'll make it okay.
When I see your monsters I'll stand there so brave, and chase them all away. "

- Monsters, Timeflies ft. Katie Sky

A song for whoever reads this. Came across this as I was brushing my teeth two mornings ago.
*hand-covering monkey emoji* 

That's all from me for now.

Okay...

Okay.

Sweet dreams. ♡

stars

The Fault In Our Stars

"That's the thing about pain," Augustus said, and then glanced back at me, "It demands to be felt."

- page 63


"Okay," he said after forever. "Maybe okay will be our always."
"Okay," I said.
It was Augustus who finally hung up.

- page 73


PS. I fear phone calls. And I fear it more when it hangs up on me first... I have to ring off first, I'm selfish in this, I know, but I cannot bear being said goodbye to. 

"People always get used to beauty though."
"I haven't gotten used to you just yet," he answered, smiling. 

- page 164


"Correct. Don't you have a death outfit?"
"Yeah," I said. "It's  dress I bought for my fifteenth birthday party. But I don't wear it on dates."
His eyes lit up, "We're on a date?" he asked.
I looked down, feeling bashful. "Don't push it."

- page 167


"Ignorance is bliss"

- page 220


"The risen sun too perfect for her losing eyes"

- An Imperial Affliction

" Lying on the field I gaze up at the sky afar

 And as I wait for my silver lining, I shall first count the stars "

- a girl who is waiting for that one day, 

B 

8th day

Today marks my 8th day at work.

It's exhausting - an understatement to the core. But as the days passed, I guess my immune system did its job adapting to the 11 hours of incessant mobility. And to be honest, I love my summer job... It's downright tiring, true, but it has altered my perspectives. Not everyone can live a contented life, but we can all be content with what we have. They work from 9 to 10.30, staying back till much later just so they can use the free WiFi to their hearts' content before it is taken from them at home. Home. I doubt that is how it feels to them, to be at home, all but a flat accommodating merely a place to seek shelter, and to survive. As they scroll through their Facebook account, watching a video uploaded by their friends, or a picture of gleaming pearly-whites of friends and family and kids back at home, home home - it saddens me. I don't know how they feel, communication is handicapped, however I wonder if those dark circles and deep lines that run down their weather-beaten skin can do justice to my emotions.

"When are you going back? Home?"
"Next year... Hopefully this year."
"Oh."

I wish we spoke the same language... They are such nice people, and our paths have chosen to cross at this phase in my life. Is there a reason for this? If so, what is it...?

Also, working means getting to sneak off to Borders in which I am granted oblivion, which is perfectly fine by me. To be unnoticed, to be left alone - not lonely, but alone. Hence, a 90-minute break is precious, even a 30-minute break is something. I have got my own small section where I find serenity, and marked it as my territory 8 days ago by accidentally on purpose leaving Fault In Our Stars at that particular rack, and to come back the next day finding it perfectly at the spot where I placed it. Hence, a mental note to all: That mystery/thriller section of the bookstore? It's mine. If only I could still read after work, when everybody has retired from the day, that would be so ideal.

It's not easy to survive, you know. Entering adulthood, everyone is just trying to keep their heads above water, just so they can wake up to see tomorrow. I want to grow up; And at the same time I don't want to. I anticipate what the other side of the world has to offer to me; But I dread the wicked schemes of reality to rob me of the limitied naivity I have left in me. Ambiguous, I am. I hate it.

 But I love my summer job. However, a day off is needed. And tomorrow shall be it.

kept my word

Hello there.

I promised to write back today and yes I have kept my word!

Okay, okay. So...

I've got a job! Being the first day at work, boy was it hectic. The people eating there were endless. The queue was ridiculous. And it wasn't just today. This happens everyday, everytime  - from as early as 11am to 10.20pm! How crazy can it get? 

I was constantly just pouring Ocha, cleaning up plates, wiping tables, taking bills, smiling and smiling and smiling... And doing all those all over again for 10 and a half hours (oh have my jaws stiffen!) Exhaustion was an understatement. So much so that I didn't feel it anymore, which was good, hence sparing me a decent amount of concentration and energy required to do my job well - which I think I did it well, at least I think I did. 

Chili's was the first place I had in mind, but being 22 days too young, I was denied the job... It was so unfortunate, for I was on cloud nine for a few days before my hopes came crushing down when I went for my interview. I really wanted to work there. It's always so hyped up, so fun to be at, especially the night shift, so it was strongly appealing to me . Well at least it taught me a lesson yet again this time: I should never keep my hopes up... For it will only result in a nasty fall. On a brighter note, I am just as happy working here. And now I know more than ever that it is hard to make a living. Hard to be a father. Hard to just... Survive. 

赚钱不简单啊…

爸爸…幸苦你了

我会好好珍惜的，做个小乖乖

And before I close those eyelids for my 11am shift tomorrow, here's a few-minutes-belated wish for the younger sister that I've never had... Thank you for your amazing, crazy, extravagant ideas in all the English and Literature classes, for being my voice everytime Miss Nadia asks a question, for ensuring my presence in this world when my head starts to nod, for being the first person ever to have faith in me in what many people are against... Thank you, my little sister. And happy 15th birthday, Sophie ♡

(I am 12 minutes behind time, sorry!) 

                                      back to the first term of form 4 

Sweet dreams. ♡

old Miley

It's time to get some rest. It's a big day tomorrow!!!
I'll tell you why soon.
I'll check in sometime tomorrow night. No promises, but I will try.
In the meantime...

" I got everything I've always wanted
Living the dream
So yeah, everything I've always wanted
isn't always what it seems
I'm a lucky girl
Whose dreams came true
But underneath it all
I'm just like you "

- Just Like You, Hannah Montana

Do listen to it. I think it's lovely. 

Don't hear it, listen.

Hope you'll like it.

Oh how I miss the old Miley... 

She's beautiful...

And so are you, whoever you may be :)

 

Sweet dreams  ♡

prior to summer

Prior to summer

Triathlon :

It was indeed a wonderful experience, to swim 16 laps, cycle 8km thereabouts and jog 2 rounds around the school, in a duration of an hour or so. One would have thought that cycling was the easiest, but take my word for it - it was not. In fact, it had been the toughest, most energy-consuming of the three. It's amazing how I made it through alive! *pat on the back*

 SKAR, with the other S being "too lazy" :)

Piano exam : 

Well, it's over! And all I'm asking for is a mere Pass. That's all I want... 

Okay, enough of this, and on to...

L11 :

It's a blessing to have spent my last term as a form 4, in this room, with the three of them. I wouldn't have traded anything, anything at all for this room and my roommates because they were what made everyday just all the more bearable, bringing humor to the room from as early as 5a.m. till midnight. And I feel lucky to be a part of all those: Tennis, attempted basketball, cycling, dinner, evening walks, cereal treats, tuck shop date... I miss all of them. Yet at the same time, I'm grateful that it all happened to me, that is has become...

"a part of me, that you'll never gonna ever take away from me" - Part Of Me, Katy Perry

 us and our soft toys, on my bed!

 laughing, laughing

 comparatively normal picture of us

 oops, not so normal as Kamilia decided to fall...

 ...however, we were still laughing before her fall

 now that's more normal, eh? 

I hope there's more to come.

More adventures awaiting us after this summer.

and here goes my favorite candid in black and white... ♡

English & Literature :

 These two classes will no longer be the same with the absence of Miss Nadia. No replacement can surpass her way of teaching, at least not the current one, no. But nobody stays forever, and hence I hope she'll be happier teaching at Alice Smith... And thank you for having so much faith in me. And sorry for being one of your quietest, if not the quietest, student in class. I hope to do well next year, just as you expect me to... *fingers-crossed*

Thank you, for simply being my teacher. 

summer 2014

Summer.

This time last year, I was in Korea. To think just like that, a year has passed.
This time last year I was very happily introduced to a small, cozy apartment in a place called Myeong-dong; learnt the art of making sushi-lookalike called Gimbap; broadened my knowledge on some Korean vocabulary from "excuse me, how much is this?" (which came in much handy when we went shopping in Seoul) to "no, that is mine!" (just so I could be on par with her sister whenever she attacked me with the exact same words). I miss Korea dearly. With good food, a cozy home, breezy weather, sweet family... It was hard not to fall in love within my 10-day stay there.
What warmed my heart was to see 5 lovely faces at the end of my stay pleading for me to make my visit again... 
Oh, what I would give to go back...

Gimbap-making day!

 what I would give to spend my whole day in a library/bookstore like this...

 She's a keeper *wink wink*

 home-cooked food that was simply hard to resist

*PS. spot the out-of-ordinary cutleries!

 and comes the traditional Korean that cannot be missed

 Subin's lovely sister

 ...and Subin herself :)

This summer, I'm staying at home. And I quite like the idea of it.
No more running around for clothes and towels and chargers and Sammy, sprinting to board the plane, speed-walking to get my luggage bags, and waiting for a taxi under the blazing sun that threatens to burn my skin. No exaggeration intended! Merely from past experiences, mostly back at home in China... Well, mommy's home. Hehehe.
I'm entering the 5th day of my summer holidays and so far, it's been pretty productive I would say. *swallows, thinks, blinks* Yeah, pretty productive. So far. 

I would like to highlight how I spent my day on Tuesday, which was rather hilarious to think about. An inside joke that perhaps only insiders would understand. Firstly, it started off as SNKM whilst STAR was unified sometime around noon. Then, N headed home, whilst the remaining SKM went to meet STAR to have a ST. MARKS dinner with Thai as the theme (and M sweating, no pouring perspiration down his face and K just moaning about the spiciness of the Tom Yam soup. After all, we were in a Thai restaurant...what did I expect? However, though, the day still ended with the 5 of us all squeezed up at the back of the car with K on S and S on R, lucky A in the middle - formation like that of our name, SKARS. ♡ 

As I type, two of them are on the plane to America... And I'm missing my best friend now. When I need someone to talk to... But please be safe and have a lovely time there. 

dating back to the 2nd term of form 4, to the long nights filled with tears and laughter... 

*PS. our beds were never thissss far apart, just an act to please Pathma! I bet it was Pathma Day!
 

米修米修... ♡