24th

her beauty is what I never want to surpass

because I will always want to be in awe of her

for age cannot wither her,

nor custom stale

her infinite variety

Happy birthday, mommy

Sweet dreams, x

*fingers-crossed for a better day tomorrow...

random thoughts

Have you got someone whom you see as your role model? Someone whom you admire a lot, would love to talk to, but just haven't got the courage to start a conversation with? This someone of whom, despite the judgements of others, you still see so highly? Because I've got one, and she's the one senior I sometimes wish I could become more of. 

In three days we will all break up for Easter, and in two weeks, when we come back to school, it will mark our final term in KTJ as a Form 5. As clichéd as it sounds, but 'where has all the time gone'? Yes, I cannot wait for IGCSEs to be over and done with, but at the same time, I am also aware that my days with them are limited, hence every now and then, I find myself counting down the number of  days that I can still see their faces, before I am deprived of all these heartwarming times together with them. Each time spent with them seemed like the last, but I guess this is when they are right to say 'live every moment as if it is your last'... But what they don't tell you is just how hard it is. How can one have the heart to just leave everything behind, and walk away unmoved, unaffected? How do you do that? It takes so much courage... Of which I lack tremendously. 

It feels quite lonely to be in the room alone. Ironically, the room is not quiet, because at times like this, silence is louder. 

I'm forgetting who I am

Who I am

Why can't they see

That I'm not perfect

Cause I'll never be

What they want me to be

I have to believe 

That I'm good enough

I need a release 

Somewhere I can be free

And find the me

I used to know

So I'm going back

To the place it began 

Under the tree

At the top of the hill

We'd share all our dreams

Or not say a word

That's where I know

Just who I am

- Escape, Megan Nicole

replaced...

It's so sad to think that one day, all these happy moments that we create together, it will be shared with someone else. To know you will be happy makes me happy, but knowing that I will no longer be the reason for your happiness breaks my heart a little more each time I think about it. The fear of being replaced by someone better, someone who does the things we always do, someone who understands you more than me - it grips my heart so tight, it is so hard to breathe. How long until I am completely forgotten? Until my name is no more than a faint memory at the back of your mind?

But I also know that it's time to leave, and that perhaps this time, it is for the better. But I am not one to move on easily. How am I to just leave everything behind, just like that then? What about all the promises? 

My heart hurts so much right now, every second since Tuesday night. I don't feel ecstatic receiving the news, I don't. Instead, it hurts me. It hurts me so, so much...

please, be happy

" Through the sorrow, and the fights,
Don't you worry
Everything's gonna be alright " 

You are my best friend and seeing you happy means the whole wide world to me, 

so please, please smile...

My heart is gripped by fear at the thought of tomorrow, thus words are failing me now. I just pray, I just pray everything really is going to be alright. For everybody. I'll be praying for all of you...

Until then,

there's so much for me to say, x

"have courage and be kind"

- something that I will live by for a very long time...

...mixed feelings and sudden decisions that are close to drowning me

//

what if I need you baby?

would you even try to save me

or would you find some lame excuse

to never be true

what if I said I loved you

would you be the one to run to

or would you watch me walk away

without a fight

//

Oh, what am I to do?

soft spot

Before all these thoughts slip away from my mind again, before my memory fails me just like every other time, I would love to share them out here, with you, whoever you may be.

Haven't you got a soft spot for anything at all? One would say that he loves his toast with peanut butter and jelly whilst the other has a thing for red roses - how about you? Has it ever occurred to you just what particularly attracts you? I have got a few that won't change, and even after a very long time from now. 

1. I have a thing for people with dimples, be that anyone at all.

2. I am absolutely in awe of people who can dance and uses dance as their medium of self-expression. 

3. I simply love the color white, and time after time again, it mesmerizes me to see either someone dressed in white or even a white wedding... It takes my breath away every time. 

These are the three that have stuck with me for a very long time. And as I am typing now, I guess they have stuck by for as long as they have because I don't have any of those three. They weren't wrong when they said 'We always want what we don't have'. But nothing can stop a girl from dreaming that one day she would wake up to these three, right? Nothing can stop a girl from dreaming. 

Looking at this beautiful picture 

tells me that time is passing by so, so fast

Love me for me

And not for someone I would never be

Cause what you get is what you see

And I can't be anymore than what I am

Love me for me

- Ashley Tisdale

"love me with all my imperfections

not for an image of your design"

weird.

As you put your earphones on and look out of the window seat, does your mind start to wonder? Do you start to think of all kinds of things? The good, the bad, the incredible, the extraordinary, the past, the present, the future... Because I know I do. As I look at someone with their earphones on, I start to think for them, and I will try to picture the things they go through and how they are feeling then and who they are missing and thinking of. It is at times like this that I find myself the weirdest for having such thoughts that may very well come as absurd in the public's eye, but completely interesting in mine. Because with my earphones on and the music turned on, this is when I start to wonder:

Who are you thinking of and where may she be?
Is he worth those tears that are rolling down your cheeks?
Are you afraid of loneliness?
Don't you feel empty and lonely, like the world is against you and you alone?

Are you feeling what I'm feeling?
Do we go through the same things?
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Do we dream the same dreams?

I love bus rides because such thoughts are only deemed effective during such times. Hence, I can't help but look forward to tomorrow, when I will be on the bus again. 

*PS. Admit it, I am by far the weirdest person you've ever known... But then again, "this is me...".

"There is always hope"

- Barbie and The Magic of Pegasus, '05

How do you feel?

It's been such a hectic two weeks and finally, finally... Exeat is here! *I promised myself to write more during the weekend, I've been neglecting my blog for some time now...* Back to the main point, exeat is finally here! It's time I heaved a sigh of relief and took a break from reality, from life. Something has been bothering me these few days and I would like to share it with you. So here goes - 

How does it feel to become a 100m sprinter? To get ready at the starting line, adjust yourself to the track, get your adrenalin going, and at the sound of the gunshot, you are flying, many steps away from the second runner, and little do you know that you will be breaking the record. How does it feel? Do you feel fast? Do you feel like you're flying? Do you know that you are fast? I wonder. 

How does it feel to become a long jumper. As you run to gather momentum, before finally lifting both your legs up, and fly across the sandpit, making your furthest and utmost deepest dent on the sand, yet again creating history in the book of records. How does it feel to lift both legs up in the air? Is it as though you are flying for a second there as you suspend in the air? Isn't it scary? How do you feel to be able to do it? 

How does it feel to become a high jumper? When they raise the bar to a height of 165cm, as you run to collect speed to push yourself off of the ground, your body bends at an angle so precisely that you land on the cushion without touching the bar. Do you feel light? Do you feel...pretty amazing? Imagine, 165cm - to be able to jump over me, literally, if only I stood in front of the bar, I wonder if anyone could still jump over. It's like a mind game, handing my life out to you to see if you could save me.

I wonder, as these are things that I can never do, but I wish I could. Thus, it is with much awe that I watch, by the sidelines, people do wonders every other day. And I wonder, just how are you feeling? Because I know I've got my fingers crossed for a miracle to happen before my eyes. 

There's another thought that's been bothering me, of which I will share with you later. 

For the time being, 

I'll let you set the pace

Cos I'm not thinking straight 

My head's spinning around 

I can't see clear no more

What are you waiting for

- Love Me Like You Do

I've never missed home as much as I miss it now... I miss mommy so so much... Sigh.

Take me away, with you

growing up

How do you get a good sleep when you have got so many thoughts flooding your mind - the time and date of your next meeting, your mocks for which you feel so unprepared, an upcoming competition, and everything in between? I guess this is a sign of growing up - you slowly lose sleep. 

As I gaze at the stars, 

As I look at the ceiling, 

As I listen to music,

As I stare into space

I wonder if we think the same thoughts, wonder if my thoughts are ever paralleled to someone else's, wonder if they are, do you feel small, lonely, inferior, scared, insecure, useless... Do you? 

Because I do. 

Oh darling don't you ever grow up 

Don't you ever grow up

It could stay this simple

Please don't let anyone hurt me

Don't let no one break my heart

And no one will desert me

And I'll try to never grow up