It's time I thought for myself for once.
I deserve to be happy too.
That's all for this post.
Until next time.

until next time

Why do I not look forward to school anymore? 

I don't want to wake up tomorrow hence I am refusing to close my eyes now because if I do so, the next thing I know my life is yet again on repeat. But I'm exhausted too. 

Nothing exciting happened. Hence nothing is really worth mentioning in this post again. I just really am not up for school anymore. Good night. 

Until next time - when something a little bit more worth mentioning comes around in my life. 

" Oh what a shame, what a rainy ending given to a perfect day

Just walk away, no use defending words that you will never say

And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through

I've never been anywhere cold as you "

- Cold As You, Taylor Swift

a place in this world

Greetings from yet another sleepless night in bed, though my eyes are paining, I just felt like writing here - it helps cover some empty holes here and there. Somehow. 

//

I don't know what I want
So don't ask me
'Cause I'm still trying to figure it out
Don't know what's down this road
I'm just walking
Trying to see through the rain coming down

Even though I'm not the only one who feels the way I do

I'm alone, on my own
And that's all I know
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong
Oh, but life goes on
Oh, I'm just a girl trying to find a place in this world

Got the radio on, my old blue jeans
And I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve
Feeling lucky today, got the sunshine
Can you tell me what more do I need

And tomorrow's just a mystery, oh, yeah, but that's okay

I'm alone, on my own
And that's all I know
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong
Oh, but life goes on
Oh, I'm just a girl trying to find a place in this world

Maybe I'm just a girl on a mission but I'm ready to fly

I'm alone, on my own
And that's all I know
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong
Oh, but life goes on
Oh, I'm alone, on my own
And that's all I know
Oh, I'm just a girl trying to find a place in this world

Oh, I'm just a girl
Oh, I'm just a girl, oh, oh
Oh, I'm just a girl

//

last day

Time, slow down... 

I can't believe today marks the end of Easter Break already. Too fast. It was all simply too fast. So much to do; so little time. Growing up, I'd always looked forward to the start of school - ticked the days off the calendar with pure excitement, anticipated the count down, I'd even missed the work load given! 

Guess I don't feel the same way anymore, as do many others. Right now, I find myself wishing just a few more days of holidays, just a few more. Is this the passing of time hinting on us? But what? What is it trying to say to us? A hint that we are growing up? A hint of change? What? At least give us some sort of sign. 

Because if you are not, you might as well give me, give all of us, a really good kickstart to the new term - my final term in Form 4. Make something happen. Something nice, something good. That way, at least it'll ignite a spark of hope in my heart, the spark that was always glowing in my heart as a child, set that spark in me. Let me feel small again. 

*giggles*

Showering time, here I go! 

To whoever is reading this now, have a great last day before Monday comes around. We all deserve it.

I need to know these answers  
I need to find my way 

Seize my tomorrow 

Learn my yesterday 

I need to take these chances 

Let all my feelings show 

Can't tell what's waiting 

Still I need to go 

I need to know 

- I Need To Know, The Island Princess 

wishful thinking

Why hello there.
Let me be wishful tonight/day, you name it.

If I could wish upon a wishing star right now...
I wish to have a new addition to my family, be that a younger brother or an elder sister or even both, or more. I want a home with abundant joy, never-ending squabbles, constant inside jokes. I want a home with frequent family trips, a train of luggage bags, but never longer than the length of our laughter, the depth of our ecstasy. I want a home, a room, in which I can share with a few more others and simply talk to our hearts' content about anything and everything; in which is always a slumber party with food sneaked in from downstairs as well as blankets and pillows and teddy bears sprawled all over the floor so as to settle in for the night that has only just begun for us. I want a home where I feel responsible for the safety of the younger kiddos, in the meantime protected by the strong security and assurance of my most looked-up-to role models.

I want brothers and sisters who will say "Hey, you have me" at times like this when I lose sleep.
I want brothers and sisters with whom I share so much resemblance in terms of apperance.
I want brothers and sisters with whom I celebrate National Siblings Day.
I want brothers and sisters whom I can see in school everyday and laugh at them with my friends.
I want brothers and sisters and am able to say "Mommmmm! Look at what they did to me again!"
I want brothers and sisters of whom I see do wonders in sports and studies and everything in between.
I want brothers and sisters...and feel proud of having them in my life.

I hear complaints from almost everybody who has those people in their life but little do they know just how lucky they are. Some of them just do not see eye to eye, whilst others compete, the rest pick on each other. But believe me when I say this, they love you. After all, Ohana does mean family.

I guess it's just one of those lonely times as I'm engulfed by the blues. To the people with siblings out there, if you are reading this right now... Laugh with them. Appreciate them. Love them. Before time takes everything away.

I'm tired. Time to hit the sack for me.
Have a think about it - you don't know how lucky you are.

Count your blessings, while I count the stars...
Until my wish comes true.

“ 我寂寞寂寞就好

这时候谁都别来

安慰拥抱 ”

- 寂寞寂寞就好, Hebe

silver lining

I've quoted my favorite lines in all of PS. I Love You and if you are reading this right now, this time however I wish someone was, please do read the following few posts chronologically.

I personally feel that those lines are beautifully written by Cecelia Ahern and it truly is a book worth your time, regardless of your gender and age. As you read the quotations I've chosen from PS. I Love You to PS. I Love You 7.0, you will see Holly's changes throughout the novel - As Holly was facing her toughest battle and that was life itself, I feel that a part of me however small was growing, maturing somewhere along the lines as well. Unlike Holly, I've never had such a life-turning event before. But she taught me that should it ever happen to us, we just gotta keep our heads up and face the music. However, it's okay to be scared; it's okay to cry; it's okay not to be okay...

Because we'll see our silver lining soon.

Do read it. Hopefully it'll ignite a spark in your heart as it did in mine and makes you smile.

  

" Cause I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human "

- Human, Christina Perri

 

PS. I Love You 7.0

Tears formed in Holly's eyes as she watched Tom and Denise dancing together for the first time as husband and wife, and she remembered that feeling. That feeling of excitement, of hope, of pure happiness and pride, a feeling of not knowing what the future held but being so ready to face it all. And that thought made her happy; she wouldn't cry about it, she would embrace it. She had enjoyed every second of her life with Gerry, but now it was time to move on. Move on to the next chapter of her life, bringing wonderful memories with her, and experiences that would teach her and help mould her future. Sure, it would be difficult; she had learned that nothing was ever easy. But it didn't feel as difficult as it had been a few months ago, and in another few months it would be even less difficult.

She had been given a wonderful gift: life. Sometimes it was cruelly taken away too soon, but it's what you did with it that counted, not how long it lasted. 

- page 497 

" It's the little things in life that count "

PS. I Love You 6.0

'Is it because you don't feel ready just yet for another relationship?' her mother had asked gently.

'Oh, I don't know, Mum. I don't feel like I know anything anymore.'


'But I don't know if I'll ever feel ready for another relationship, Mum. Maybe I will, maybe I won't; maybe this is as ready as I'll ever feel. He's not Gerry but I'm not expecting him to be. What I feel now is a different kind of feeling; but a nice one too.' She had paused to think about that feeling. 'I don't know if I'll ever love the same way again, I find it hard to believe that will happen, but it's a nice thought to have that maybe someday I could.' She had smiled sadly at her mother.

'Well, you don't know if you can if you don't try.'

- page 480

" When there is desire

There is bound to be a flame

When there is a flame

Someone's bound to get burned

But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try, and try, and try "

- Try, Pink

PS. I Love You 5.0

It was scaring her that she was forgetting his face. When she dreamed about him he was always somebody else; a person she made up in her mind with a different face and a different voice. 

Now and again she rang his mobile phone just to hear his voice on his answering machine. She had even been paying the mobile company every month just to keep his account open. His smell had faded from the house; his clothes long gone under his own orders. He was fading from her mind and so she clung desperately on to every little bit of him that she could. She deliberately thought about him every night just before she went to sleep just so that she would dream about him. She even bought his favorite aftershave and splashed it around the house. Sometimes she would be out and a familiar smell or song would transport her back to another time and another place. A happier time.

She would catch a glimpse of him walking down the street or driving by in a car and would chase that person for miles, only to discover it wasn't him; merely a lookalike. She just couldn't seem to let go. 

- page 436 & 437

“ 最后的疼爱是手放开 ”

－手放开，李圣杰

PS. I Love You 4.0

Tears trickled down Holly's face as she realised he was right. She needed to remember Gerry and be happy about the love they shared and the love she still continued to feel; but not to cry about them, not to yearn for the many more years with him that would never come. She thought of the line he had written to her, 'Remember our wonderful memories, but please don't be afraid to make some more.' She needed to put the ghost of Gerry that haunted her to rest but to keep his memory alive.

There was still life for her after his death.

- page 434

PS. I Love You 3.0

'But you seem happy.' Her voice trembled.

'Seeming and being are not one and the same. I know you know that.'

She nodded sadly.

'You don't have to put on a brave face all the time, you know.' He handed her a tissue.

'Oh, I'm not brave at all.' She blew her nose.

'Ever hear the saying that you need to be scared to be brave?'

Holly thought about that. 'But I don't feel brave, I just feel scared.'

'Oh, we all feel scared at times - there's nothing wrong with that - but there will come a day when you stop feeling scared. Look at all you've done!' He held his hands up, indicating her office. 'And look at all this.' He flicked through the pages of the magazine. 'That's the work of a very brave person.'

Holly smiled. 'I love the job.'

'And that's great news! But you need to learn to love more than your job.'

Holly frowned. She hoped this wasn't one of those get-over-one-man-by-sleeping-under-another-type chats.

'I mean learn to love yourself,' Chris continued. 'Learn to love your new life. Don't let your entire life revolve around your job. There's more to it than that.'

- page 432

PS. I Love You 2.0

Holly turned to look out of the window and stared at the green fields as they flew by. The hills were dotted with little white specks as the sheep bravely climbed to new heights, oblivious to the wonderful views. Neat stone walls separated each field and you could see the grey lines, jagged like jigsaw puzzles, for miles, connecting each piece of land together. Holly had yet to find a few pieces for her own puzzled mind.

'Yeah,', she sighed, 'I'm OK.'

- page 408 & 409

Yes, she had finally managed to drag herself out of bed every morning; yes, she had even managed to get dressed most of the time. Yes, she had succeeded in finding a new job where she met new people and yes, she had finally started buying food again and feeding herself. But no, she didn't feel ecstatic about any of these things. They were just formalities, something else to check off on the 'things that normal people do' list. None of them filled the hole in her heart; it was like her body had become one great jigsaw just like the green fields with their pretty grey-stone walls connecting the whole of Ireland. She had started working on the corners and the edges of her jigsaw because they were the easy bits but now that they were all in place she needed to do all the bits in between, the hard parts. But nothing she had done so far had managed to fill that hole in her heart; that piece of jigsaw had yet to be found. 

Ever since the holiday Holly had opened up to Sharon and Denise a lot more, but now she felt she was repeating the same old worries over and over again. Sometimes they would succeed in getting through to her and she would feel positive and confident, only to be thrown back into despair days later.

- page 412

PS. I Love You

But even in her laughter there was something missing. She never seemed to be truly happy; she just seems to be passing time till she waited for something else. She was tired of just existing; she wanted to live. But what was the point in living when there was no "life" in it. These questions went through her mind over and over again till she reached the point of not wanting to wake up from her dreams that felt so real. 

- page 138 & 139 

After a while Holly discovered she was enjoying herself; she wasn't just pretending to laugh or finding things mildly amusing, she was genuinely happy. The thought of that made her even happier.

- page 154 

dreams

*a long deep exhale*

Greetings from my room!

My sweet escape ended the instant I set foot on Malaysia ground at 3.30p.m yesterday. I had a good five days breathing a different air being 200 miles away from home. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't tired during the trip, to think that I'd been having only less than five hours of sleep for nearly a week now, inclusive of the one night spent at camp where I only had four. But it was great fun, though not many pictures were taken, at least they are captured in...there - where my heart is, yeah there. I'm no bio student, you should know where.

The flowers below are the only few house colors that I managed to savor at Garden By The Bay in Marina Bay Sands, I was hoping to see a blue rose but was of no such luck. It's okay though! The flowers below made me ooh and ahh enough already! *giggles*

Irinah - orange

Jawahir - purple

 

Nadzi - yellow

Alia - red

Imran - pink

 White flowers are just lovely!

The prettiest flower I've seen...yet!

 And here comes the both of us...

 ...plus her brother! P.S. it was -15 degree celcius in there, it's crazy cold!!!

 and me, now don't I look tall? *wink wink* 

 At the same time, I feel that I actually had a glimpse of how the real world would be a few years from now, as I step out of my comfort zone and embark on a new chapter in my life, after KTJ - and this vision gives me the chill. Surely I want to go out there and push boundaries and enjoy life, but am I ready for it? Am I ready for the 9 to 5 jobs (if not more)? Am I ready to open my eyes to a compact room and an unfamiliar face for a flatmate? Am I ready to grab a leftover sandwich from the night before and catch the subway to my office building (wherever that may be) eight stations due North (completely made that one up)?  Am I ready to work my tail off with paperwork, customers, meetings, phone calls, presentations, dresses, briefcases...and to repeat the same things the next day and the day after, again and again?

Am I ready for that? Because last I checked, my days till graduation are numbered. It's like I've boarded on a train and I watch each station go by, watch as foreign countenances take the seats of familiar faces as they have reached the end of their destination, only to start a new one beyond what this train will ever offer. Soon it shall be my turn. Soon I will be like one of them, whom I call seniors. Soon I will be the one deciding just which station I wish to get down from, and whether I should make a left turn or right, seeing there are two flights of stairs awaiting me. Soon I will be alone. No more an Irininian, nor a KTJ-ian (is that even how you call it?). It'll be just me, an individual, roaming the streets of a foreign land where nobody is the least bit interested in who I am because their presence is engulfing enough already - politicians, lawyers, doctors, professors...

I guess I'm still in my own bubble. People have been telling me lately that I'm always just in my own bubble, lost in my own world, and I know that, but it hurts when I'm told about it. *laughs* I'm a girl with dreams too, big or small, I have dreams that I wish will come true. I'm a girl who wants to be a lot of things, like a Divergent, hehe. At least in that movie, people can choose where they want to be, be that Dauntless, Abnegation or Erudite, even Factionless is somewhere. But no. I don't know what the future holds and I don't know two years from now just where I will be. But what I do know, and what scares me most now, is the fact that I cannot complete one maths paper without facing difficulties. And if I can't even get that right, just what can I do?
*exhales again, long and slow*

It's raining cats and dogs here and I've got my piano lesson in 9 minutes. Sigh. Another thing to worry over.

"I've always dreamed
That my life could be
Like a fairy-tale
A perfect fantasy

Oh, I want so much more

So much more

Than a dream..."

- So Much More Than A Dream, Cinderella III

sleepless.

Greetings from home!

 I'm comfortably blanketed under my puffy duvet, once again updating you on the happenings of my life, by no means to bore you that is. But really if you are currently reading this, I'm guessing that it is Easter Break that has by all means been torturing you for the past two days, that even my life seems more interesting at this point. *giggles*

Well, you are reading about this girl who has just got home from her IYA camp and is knocked out from merely four hours of sleep, a constantly cold body and three days of indecent food (cooked by the writer herself, oops). Despite all those, I had a great 3 days at camp. There were only 5 girls and 6 boys hence almost immediately conversations were carried through and soon enough a close-knit bond was formed between the 11 of us, like a chain reaction. It was only during this camp that I learned about the existence of leeches and was bitten by one, a rather small one thankfully, on my left foot and the next time I checked, it left me with my own blood stained on my white sock as a token of its existence in my life. Many more of those creatures charged on my shoes whilst I jungle-trekked my way through the jungle, but owing to my fast reaction rate then (I've got my adrenalin to thank for) I manhandled them everywhere and anywhere away from me. If there was anything that I managed to get out from this camp is the fact that I should feel more than grateful to be born and bred a city girl. To think that I had actually wanted to settle down on the outskirts of town in somewhere like Tennessee one day - I am under serious reconsideration, I mean, just who am I kidding? April Fool's had long since passed. Maybe I'm better off in the city after all...

I spy the girl in her light blue shirt, do you?

Now that camp is over, it otherwise means that in less than six hours' time, I'll be on a bus making my sweet escape to Singapore with my best friend. And trust me when I say we won't be back until five days later. And in the meantime, I am trying my very best to refrain myself from thinking just the amount of prep I've got awaiting me at my desk... Should I tilt my head a little to my right right now, I might go crazy - a risk I am unwilling to take. Hence, writing here is my best resort, for now at least. I cannot think that my Maths IGCSEs are around the corner on the 15th and 20th of May, whilst the trials are really just 2 or 3 weeks from now; I cannot think that I've got "All My Sons" to read for E Lit; I cannot think that my piano exam is coming in June which means I have to practice the piano at home... I cannot think about them. Which is exactly what I'm doing now. All the things that I have to do are like tidal waves bombarding me, and there is really only one question left: Just when will I drown? Every time this happens, my head just starts to hurt and it's happening again like all the other days. I should learn how to deal with my stress, I know. So let me just think of Singapore now. An escape - exactly what I need now. Escape... A sweet escape. 

What Mr. Suzali's classes do to you 

Going back home for the first time in a long time is like receiving a bag of surprises - you can never be too sure just what you will get out of it for some might fly you off to cloud nine; some might just let your heart sink to the ground or below. But whatever the outcome may be, you just gotta keep your head up and get a move-on with the fast-paced life of the 21st century. Appreciate. So simple in letters, but difficult in actions. I know I've been using this word a lot lately, but it is true. We must really appreciate the people around us, because we tend to forget how important they are until we lose them... Life is too short for anything that stands in the way between you and the person you love, from your family to a mere friend. Offer them your happiness and say only words of positivity to them because you don't know when you will see their smiles next, if not ever...

Jenn once told me, "God gives His toughest battles to His strongest soldiers".
Is this a sign? If it is, I wish I knew what it might be.

“ 就让我跌倒

 我学会笑 

我知道

我曾经是你的骄傲

我一直是你的骄傲 ”

－让我跌倒 ，可晴

I'm smiling but I'm dying inside.

I'm very tired but I can't sleep.

two weeks

Morning.

It seems so redundant how I constantly add emphasis on the passing of time, saying just how fast it is when firstly there is really nothing that I can do about it and secondly it is passing by real fast, very fast indeed. *laughs* I'm merely using "time" as the kickstart to this post because I'm currently typing away on the last day of my second last term in form 4, before IGCSEs weigh themselves upon my frail shoulders. I've lost sleep at 4 hence this is my only resort for companionship.

I will be leaving for my IYA camp at half past two later and frankly speaking I am not at my highest spirits now. I'm afraid that I wouldn't enjoy myself there but judging on past experiences my fear was contrasted - it turned out to be great fun, so much so that the camp was demanded once more. Hence, here's praying that the same would happen this time, maybe except for the fact that they did not shower for 3 days straight the last time. Oops. *inserting covering-eyes monkey emoji*

The camp ends on Sunday afternoon after which I will have rest of the day at home before I head off to Singapore with Sabrina for the next 5 days. Head off, more like a two-girl escape. *all smiles*
If it goes according to plan, the first two days there will be spent with her brother and his mastermind of plans for us, the remaining days are still uncertain though, but whatever the outcome, I know it'll be a good one. It's all about good company. And what can surpass the accompaniment of your best friend? Nothing. Nil. Nada. However, here's praying that it'll be another 5 productive days. I'm actually most excited about visiting their library, sitting in the midst of bookshelves 3 feet high, from which I'll grab a book to read, feeling totally at ease, just like a Harvard student, and feeling like I actually belong... Sigh. When is it ever going to be my turn? No, scratch that. Will my turn ever come? I wonder about this sometimes, and even more so lately. I wonder.

Going back to the Secret Guardian game that happened last week, we've promised rewards hence we've come up with custom-made badges in the means of acknowledging their "guardianship". Therefore throughout this week I needed to read the notes that the Secret Guardians had written to their guardianettes as tangible proof of their good work. And trust me when I say this: Some Secret Guardians were just so sweet... Seeing that just made me think, now this is exactly what this game is all about! I was moved by some of the letters themselves whilst others the gifts that came with the package. Someone from Imran had even received a dream catcher from his Secret Guardian! It's a dream catcher. A dream catcher. Simply beautiful.

And just two days ago, I took part in the 3000m race. Putting everything else aside, I did not stop, not even once, as I did my 7 and a half rounds round the 400m field. I finished it, and that's all that matters. So thank you all. Thank you Sabrina.

That's about it of my life now. I won't be checking in until much later next week. Oh man, not to mention the amount of holiday prep that I've got. Just the thought of it makes me shudder. I shall put that aside for some fun this week... *pats on the back* C'mon, you can do this!

Two. Two weeks. Two whole weeks.

a walk to remember

Will my life ever be like a walk to remember?

So gentle and so pure

The scent of one's embrace that will linger

The genuinity of one's heart that will endure

To be taken care of like never before

Even when everything falls apart

To be loved like never before

With words that tug at the strings of my heart

Will I ever find the one? 

Who is scared to lose me

When I'm my own worst enemy

Whose mind will always be

No one else but only me 

When will my time come? 

Before I tire

Before the fire

Burning like a musical choir 

Burns out the black and white keys of my heart's one desire 

Say something I'm giving up, oh bother

Just will my life ever be like a walk to remember?