1.3

There are so many ways to be brave in this world. Sometimes bravery involves laying down your life for something bigger than yourself, or for someone else. Sometimes it involves giving up everything you have ever known, or everyone you have ever loved, for the sake of something greater.

   But sometimes it doesn't.

   Sometimes it is nothing more than gritting your teeth through pain, and the work of everyday, the slow walk toward a better life.

   That is the sort of bravery I must have now.

page 509

Be brave

It's hard and it hurts

When I thought it didn't anymore

But it still does

Who cares anyways

Nobody

So just be brave

It's just a few more months

But that's the thing,
I'm not brave...
And I never will be 

1.2

All I can do is stand still - I feel like if I just stand still, I can stop it from being true, I can pretend that everything is all right. Christina hunches over, unable to support her own grief, and Cara embraces her, and

all I'm doing is standing still.

1.1

        I used to think that when people fell in love, they just landed where they landed, and they had no choice in the matter afterward. And maybe that's true of beginnings, but it's not true of this, now. 
    
       I fell in love with him. But I don't just stay with him by default as if there's no one else available to me. I stay with him because I choose to, everyday that I wake up, everyday that we fight or lie to each other or disappoint each other. I choose him over and over again, and he chooses me.



  

...

天空海闊的盡頭 如果我終於能走過那斜坡

像朋友那樣吻我 就算我已 不是我

只不過聽到歌 眼就要紅 這不是我 一定不是我

一想到你 心就要痛 這不是我 我沒那麼弱

愛過應該變得成熟 和平的分手應該是種收穫

緊握回憶要做甚麼 這樣不能失去誰的人

不是我

只不過睡不著 淚就失控 這不是我 一定不是我

一想到你 人就要瘋 這不是我 我沒那麼弱

原本我要豁達寬容 學到的智慧結果都沒有用

賠上自由也不掙脫 這樣不懂愛自己的人

不是我 喔

你最深愛的人 已不是我

你不捨得的人 已不是我

你最深愛的人 已不是我

你不捨得的人 已不是我

…

这不是你

也不是我

gay, no scratch that

I think I've found myself a "gay best friend", who technically isn't gay (at least I don't think he is!), but with whom I can act all crazy and just be myself all the time. It feels good to know that besides my ultimate best friend, I have found a best friend in another one. For that, I thank You for granting me these two friendships, Lord, of which I will cherish... Plus the little brother that I will never have. The blessing in disguise. *smiling* The three of you. 

PS. Okay, maybe gay isn't the most suitable of words to put this. Let's stick with guy, what do you think? Hence, guess what? 

I've finally got a guy best friend! 

this girl

Reading back on the previous posts, I start to think - to think of all the roller-coaster-ride of emotions she has gone through and eventually finding solace in this blog. As I read on, I have embodied her character and it makes me want to pity her, but I know she despises it. It feels like a travel back in time, when I am once again reminded of all the ups and downs she has gone through in her journey. For that, I admire her for having been holding on tight all along despite the bad days she has had before.


She makes me want to hate her for constantly being so ignorant, so careless, but at the same time, her being blur just makes me want to love her a bit more. Just a bit more. But I can never do the latter, I've tried, but I never could.

Thus, should there ever come a day when she finally learns how to love again, I have my fingers crossed tightly that she will be loved more, like how she once did... She is exhausted from all the pain, and for once she wants to be loved more, to have the other to be afraid of losing her and not the other way round, to have the other to embrace her flaws and even see a difference in her, and not remind her of her flaws and inabilities and whatnot. One day, should she encounter someone who makes her see beyond her imperfections, her hidden beauty, that is when she may actually love again. I said may.

In the meantime, this girl needs to shower.

等待

每个人，都在等一个人，

等待一个，

能看到你与众不同的，

那个人… 

This pain, this physical pain, I guess it's a reminder that my heart is still beating, that I have to survive for my mom. A constant alarm that rings in my head, reminding me just how lucky I am to be alive. This pain, so small, so minute compared to that of others; yet on me, so unbearable. So painful. 

I guess Augustus Waters was right after all...

" pain demands to be felt " 

like a rose

I know this is the barrier to my happiness sometimes, most of the time. But how can you control the way you feel? How can you manipulate the emotions that run through your veins, telling every fiber of your body that you are okay when you know fully well that you are not? Why do we go on lying to ourselves and to others to show them our make-believe happy side? Why do we care? Why do we take things to heart? Why do we even have a heart that beats for feelings?

Why do I have a heart that beats for sadness? That's why. That's why I get sad.
I care too much. That's how. That's how I get hurt. Haha... Or maybe it's just me. I'm starting to think.
Again.

Every rose has its thorns

Just like every night has its dawn

Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song

Every rose has its thorns

Yeah, it does. 

- Miley Cyrus

my soft spot for blue roses...

I'm not to cross this battle field
I'm screaming out, can you hear me now?
I'm holding on, I stand my ground
I'm screaming out, can you hear me?

My heart beats for love, my heart beats for love

- Miley Cyrus

Back to more homework now... Sweet dreams.

平行世界

Do you believe in a parallel universe? 

As we lie on different grass, do we see the same stars? 

As we listen to that one song, do we picture the same happy ending? 

As we close those eyelids, do we dream the same dreams? 

Because we are all so similar, yet so different. 

Because we are all so close, yet so far. 

We want to hate, but we just love. 

We want to stay strong, yet our walls come tumbling down.

Strange world, this is. 

It never ceases to amaze me. 

Because in this big big world I met you, 

when I could have met so many others out there. 

And for that, I'm eternally grateful

 to be able to call you all my true friends...:) 

And to live under the same sky, 

where once in a blue moon,

A shooting star may just come round. 

And when that does happen, 

It's y'all I want to be around. 

Sweet dreams.

等，一个人

my new favorite

*smiling*

" 天空中是否有颗星星守护我
只是我没有发觉
人群中是否有个肩膀愿为我
挡住最寒冷的冬天
谁会温柔而坚决
带着未来和我遇见
每个人心里都有一个 保留着的空位

等一个人出现
拥抱着我的世界
站在爱的面前 所有寂寞防备 一瞬间崩溃
等一个人深陷
在我胸口左边
一夜之间让心慌 让心痛 让心碎
都成为纪念

谁会温柔而坚决
带着未来和我遇见
每个人心里都有一个 保留着的空位

等一个人出现
拥抱着我的世界
站在爱的面前 所有寂寞防备 一瞬间崩溃
等一个人深陷
在我胸口左边
一夜之间让心慌 让心痛 让心碎

成为纪念

让风吹干我脸上的雨点
就算跌跌撞撞不懂爱的深浅
也要继续寻找那一份绝对

等一个人成为
我生命中的永远
幸福多么迂回 为何没有发现 爱就在身边
等一个人带回
大雨后的蓝天
从今之后每一天 每一月 每一年 都心甘情愿

幸福多么迂回 为何没有发现 爱就在身边

等一个人带回
大雨后的蓝天
从今之后每一天 每一月 每一年
都心甘情愿 "

每个人，都在等一个人，

等待一个，

能看到你与众不同的，

那个人… 

难道真的是这样吗？

真的可能发生在我的身上哦？

那么那个他，到底是谁啊？

you have me

You have me... Just know that you'll always have me. I will never leave you. Not even when we are miles apart.

though we are far apart in distance,
we are closer than ever at hearts

So promise me you'll be happy and crazy and bubbly always, so much so that I must stop you from going over the top! Like how I would always do. I miss those happy times.

And thank you. For being my best friend. *smiling*

I'm tired. Time for some sleep... Again.

I'll get there

someday, I will get there

someday, I'll see

every beauty in between

until then, 

there's nothing more that I can do 

but do what I do best

 I'll put on a smile 

and I'll always be dreaming

that one one day I will get there

and one day I will see

 because there's no place I'd rather be

 ♡

 ...

Sigh. 

This sadness is very overwhelming...

 But it's just a few more months.

 It's just a few more months, so hang on tight. 

But why are these tears not strong enough?

I want to graduate

I really want to graduate...

“Sometimes I feel like there is so much to be afraid of, and sometimes I feel like there is nothing left to fear" 

"Sometimes I feel like running away and leaving it all behind, try to find a place where I belong"

"For some reason, I'm always getting forgotten" 

"She's a little scared to get close to anyone because everyone that said "I'll always be there" left"

"I care too much, that's why I get hurt"

Realization has dawned on me... That surviving in itself is hard enough.

But...  

"I just don't see how a world that makes such wonderful things could be bad"

...

sleepless

The feeling when you can't sleep

And waking up to a dream so deep

Wishing it was real, wanting to weep

Because a dream is one you can't keep

Is tonight really the night? After three weeks of non-stop practice, I really hope our, no, our seniors' hard work and effort would pay off. I even had a dream about tonight... If dreams were true, we might have a chance of emerging as champions, upholding our status as first for the... 8th time? 9th time? I haven't a clue. 

But it's not just us, the other houses have put in equal amount of effort into tonight too. Hence I look forward to some fierce competition tonight, and many jaw-dropping and breathtaking performances. Good luck everybody...:) here's to yet another year of surprises. 

I really can't sleep, which feels terrible, since I'm expecting a long day (and night) ahead of me. But I shall try. 

In the meantime, keep your chin up...




...just smile.

guess, oh I guess

I guess I am actually more capable than I give myself credit for. I guess I am not as hopeless and useless and dumb as I always think I am. I guess I could actually do great things. I guess I could even feel infinite...

I guess there's a mountain of homework needed done. I guess I should stop playing this song on repeat. I guess I have to stop escaping, stop escaping from Chemistry, from Literature, from life. I guess I use "I guess" way too much. But I guess, I guess...

I guess it's time to sleep.

I guess I'll never stop guessing.

words and words

Writing is an expression left unspoken, unsaid. There are days when my gums just fail me, or when I am left alone, that's when I resort to writing instead. Sitting down to my favorite song, watching the sunset as I wait for my 7o'clock - nothing beats such moments. It is also when I am reminded of this blog.

I know nearly three-quarters of this blog is fraught with melancholy, but you, dear whoever, have to understand that a sad blog post doesn't have to match up with my feelings. They are random, simply off the cuff, varying according to my limited creativity. It's like essay-writing, but with more... Genuinity. 

I love writing. I love the variety of words that I will never finish learning. I love how they could be written in subtexts, adding twists to an otherwise typical happily ever after. I would love it when, hopefully, whoever that constantly checks on my posts would read between the lines, truly understanding the reason why I chose to phrase them in such a way, and not jumping to conclusions of my current state - whether I'm happy or sad. I could be neither. Because whenever I write here, I write with a small aim, and that is to hopefully get you to connect with me - to embody me and see the world through my eyes, this fantasy, make-believe world that I live in.

Words are beauty in itself. And I wish everyday that I was better with them. I'm young, my future is ahead, and here I am seated away from society, secretly hoping that one day I would make make a difference in life, out of words. How am I going to do this, I haven't a clue. But what I do know is that I just gotta try, try, try.

I really hope I've opened you to a small window of my life, that I'm not always so sad and vulnerable, but a girl who just feels for everything and anything. A girl who cares too much, wonders too often, hurts too deeply and laughs too easily. I'm just like you. For I'm only human.

" 心一跳 爱就开始煎熬
每一分 每一秒
火在烧 烧成灰有多好
叫思念 不要吵
我相信我已经快要
快要把你忘掉
跟寂寞 再和好
我相信我已经快要
是真的我快要
快要可以微笑 去面对
下一个 拥抱 " 

- my new favorite now - 

*on repeat*

stars, those stars

I guess if things are meant to be, they will have a way of coming together. Not today. Nor tomorrow. Just someday. Guess it all comes down to what The Lord has in plan for you. It takes a little faith - so ye of a bit of faith. One day, your stars may align and all the broken pieces will be made together - though flawless no longer. But you'll see those stars;

If they are just not meant to be, it probably just means they were never yours to keep. So be it. Transient happiness merely leaves permanent scars in your heart. This is when you'll find yourself singing "say whatever will be will be, take the good and bad just breathe...". Guess this is also when you lift your chin a little higher, with footsteps a tad bit quicker, heartbeat ever so slightly lighter - and you'll look into the mirror with your best smile and whisper to yourself, "Such is life, but it goes on...and so shall I".

We're all so beautiful. Someday, someone will notice all the tiny details of us and embrace them all. That is when we'll meet those stars again. Because those stars? 

They never really leave us.

“ 心一跳 爱就开始煎熬

每一分 每一秒

火在烧 烧成灰有多好

叫思念 不要吵

我相信我已经快要

是真的我快要

快要可以微笑 去面对

下一个 拥抱 ”