Love, Rosie 

♡

“Rosie,

I'm returning to Boston tomorrow but before I go I wanted to write this letter to you. All the thoughts and feelings that have been bubbling up inside me are finally overflowing from this pen and I'm leaving this letter for you so that you don't feel that I'm putting you under any great pressure. I understand that you will need to take your time trying to decide on what I am about to say.
I no what's going on, Rosie. You're my best friend and I can see the sadness in your eyes. I no that Greg isn't away working for the weekend. You never could lie to me; you were always terrible at it. Your eyes betray you time and time again. Don't pretend that everything is perfect because I see it isn't. I see that Greg is a selfish man who has absolutely no idea just how lucky he is and it makes me sick.

He is the luckiest man in the world to have you, Rosie, but he doesn't deserve you and you deserve far better. You deserve someone who loves you with every single beat of his heart, someone who thinks about you constantly, someone who spends every minute of every day just wondering what you're doing, where you are, who you're with and if you're OK. You need someone who can help you reach your dreams and who can protect you from your fears. You need someone who will treat you with respect, love every part of you, especially your flaws. You should be with someone who can make you happy, really happy, dancing-on-air happy. Someone who should have taken the chance to be with you years ago instead of becoming scared and being too afraid to try.
I am not scared any more, Rosie. I am not afraid to try. I no what the feeling was at your wedding - it was jealousy. My heart broke when I saw the woman I love turning away from me to walk down the aisle with another man, a man she planned to spend the rest of her life with. It was like a prison sentence for me - years stretching ahead without me being able to tell you how I feel or hold you how I wanted to.

Twice we've stood beside each other at the altar, Rosie. Twice. And twice we got it wrong. I needed you to be there for my wedding day but I was too stupid to see that I needed you to be the reason for my wedding day.

I should never have let your lips leave mine all those years ago in Boston. I should never have pulled away. I should never have panicked. I should never have wasted all those years without you. Give me a chance to make them up to you. I love you, Rosie, and I want to be with you and Katie and Josh.

Always.

Please think about it. Don't waste your time on Greg. This is our opportunity. Let's stop being afraid and take the chance. I promise I'll make you happy.

All my love,
Alex” 

  

“I don’t want to be one of those easily forgotten people, so important at the time, so special, so influential, and so treasured, yet years later just a vague face and a distant memory. I want us to be best friends forever”

 
“Oh, you know... you wait and wait for years for him until you finally give up and move on with your life. You eventually decide to marry Greg and weeks later, Alex splits up with Sally. You know, you two have the worst timing ever. When will you ever learn to catch up with each other?”

∞

The beauty of language, though really they are nothing more but words, written in black and white. Still, time after time, they have a way of getting back to me...


“I'm in love with you," he said quietly.

"Augustus," I said.

"I am," he said. He was staring at me, and I could see the corners of his eyes crinkling. "I'm in love with you, and I'm not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I'm in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have, and I am in love with you.”  

//

“There are infinite numbers between 0 and 1. There's .1 and .12 and .112 and an infinite collection of others. Of course, there is a bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities. A writer we used to like taught us that. There are days, many of them, when I resent the size of my unbounded set. I want more numbers than I'm likely to get, and God, I want more numbers for Augustus Waters than he got. But, Gus, my love, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn't trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I'm grateful.” 

//

“Oh, I wouldn't mind, Hazel Grace. It would be a privilege to have my heart broken by you.”

"My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations"

and if I am right

someday, somehow

somewhere between those stars

will lie our little infinity

to have you whisper in my ears afterwards

"and in that moment, I swear we were infinite" 

∞ 

             "I've never gotten a love letter before. But reading these notes like this, one after the other, it feels like I have. It's like...it's like there's only ever been Peter. Like everyone else that came before him, they were all to prepare me for this. I think I see the difference now, between loving someone from afar and loving someone up close. When you see them up close, you see the real them, but they also get to see the real you. And Peter does. He sees me, and I see him.

Love is scary: it changes; it can go away. That's part of the risk. I don't want to be scared anymore. I want to be brave, like Margot. It's almost a new year, after all."

...

"When I'm back in my room in my flannel nightgown, I get out my special flowy pen and my good thick stationery and I start to write. Not a good-bye letter. Just a plain old love letter.

Dear Peter..."

-the end-

distance

"When someone's been gone a long time, at first you save up all the things you want to tell them. You try to keep track of everything in your head. But it's like trying to hold on to a fistful of sand: all the little bits slip out of your hands, and that you're just clutching air and grit. That's why you can't save it all up like that.

Because by the time you finally see each other, you're catching up only on the big things, because it's too much bother to tell about the little things. But the little things are what make up life. Like a month ago when Daddy slipped on a banana peel, a literal banana peel that Kitty had dropped on the kitchen floor. Kitty and I laughed for ages. I should have e-mailed Margot about it right away; I should have taken a picture of the banana peel. Now everything feels like you had to be there and oh never mind, I guess it's not that funny. 

Is this how people lose touch? I didn't think that could happen with sisters. Maybe with other people, but never us. Before Margot left, I knew what she was thinking without having to ask; I knew everything about her. Not anymore. I don't know what the view looks like outside her window, or if she still wakes up early every morning to have a real breakfast or if maybe now that she's at college she likes to go out late and sleep in late. I don't know if she prefers Scottish boys to American boys now, or if her roommate snores. All I know is she likes her classes and she's been to visit London once. So basically I know nothing.

And so does she. These are big things I haven't told her – how many letters got sent out. The truth about me and Peter. The truth about me and Josh.

I wonder if Margot feels it too. The distance between us. If she even notices."

-page 294 & 295

 

wonder, wondering

Margot doesn't see the point in wondering. This is our life; there's no use in asking what if. No one could ever give you the answers. I try, I really do, but it's hard for me to accept this way of thinking. I'm always wondering about the what-ifs, about the road not taken.

- page 10 & 11

I'm always just wondering. I wonder, a lot. About the possible, the almost possible, and the downright impossible. I wonder about strangers, mutual friends, close friends, best friends, family... I wonder a lot about them. There comes a few times when I wonder, if they wonder as much about me too.

(I could write my own book. *smiling*) 

No, scratch that.

Waking up at half past six is not the most ideal way of kicking start my mid-term break, but I guess it will do. Here's to a relaxing one week. For all of us! *smiling*

monster in me

How do you sleep when there are just so many things on your mind? When all you can do is toss and turn but it is to no avail. How do you sleep when the thoughts on your mind are close to eating up your insides, nibbling away the good memories and leaving behind the bad. How do you sleep when realization dawns on you that those thoughts? Those thoughts that have been taking up so much of your time, have no real content in them? That to others they may not be seen so much as a "problem", and they will simply dismiss it as quickly as it comes. How sure are you that it's not just you? That once again, your over-thinking skills are taking charge?

Tell me, with all those, just how do you sleep? How can you sleep? Because I can't.

I see your monsters

I see your pain

Tell me your problems

I'll chase them away 

I'll be your lighthouse

I'll make it okay

When I see your monsters

I'll stand there so brave

And chase them all away... 

Chase these monsters, these monsters in my head, away for me - 

Please.

lucky

*please do read this, I promise it's worth your time...

"When people first see me, they may not believe this, but most days I don't feel particularly disabled. In the ways that matter most, I believe I am more blessed by good luck than I am saddled by misfortune. My eyes are good, as are my ears. I've been raised by parents who love me as I am, which means that even though I can't walk or talk well, I'm reasonably well adjusted.

I know that for a teenage girl in America, this is saying a lot. I don't want to be thinner than I am, or taller. I don't look at my body parts and wish they were bigger or smaller. In fact – and this will surprise many people – I don't wish I was fine. I don't pine for working legs or a cooperative tongue. It would be nice not to drool and warp the best pages of my favorite books, but I'm old enough to know a little drool isn't going to ruin anyone's life. I don't know what it would feel like to be beautiful, but I can guess that it makes demands on your time. I watch pretty girls my age and I see how hard they work at it. I imagine it introduces fears I will never experience: What if I lose this? Why am I not happier when I have this?

Instead of beauty, I have a face no one envies and a body no one would choose to live in. These two factors alone have freed up my days to pursue what other girls my age might also do if their strong legs weren't carrying them to dances and parties and places that feed a lot of insecurities. Living in a body that limits my choices means I am not a victim of fashion or cultural pressures, because there is no place for me in the culture I see. In having fewer options, I am freer than any other teenager I know. I have more time, more choices, more ways I can be. I feel blessed and yes – I feel lucky."

page 16 & 17

this has definitely changed a part of my life

and I hope it changes yours too

sweet dreams... ♡

lies

All it takes is a little persuasion for yourself. Soon you'll get used to change and will accept the ways things are - that some things are meant to be, and some things that are just not meant to be, that sometimes true bravery requires you to take a few steps back so as to make way for the happiness of others. They may never know just what you have done for them in the past, and are still constantly doing, and they may never will. You wished they did, though. 

I've grown accustomed to how things are now. And I like it at times when I am alone. Because there are times when I just don't want to talk, and the thought of being invisible to others is rather appealing.

I'm not lonely, I'm just alone sometimes -  and I guess this is bravery. Because if distance is the key to everybody's happiness, I don't mind pulling out. I really don't. In fact, I'm used to it now. This new change... I actually like it. 

A lie I tell myself each day.

rainy morning

"The raindrops are pelting hard against my window panes. Admist the white sheets stood a figure, blurred by the heavy downpour. The only thing distinguishable was the polka-dotted umbrella protruding from the rain. It's a he. My hunch tells me so. And I guess... I guess he's waiting for me."  

Rainy morning, dark sky, dim lightings, cozy bed...

Just who is up for school? 

I know I'm not.

my kind of day

Here goes nothing :

1. I miss playing netball. So, so much. And playing netball with boys gives a touch of a different feel altogether. Which is great! At least I found my head-to-toe coordination quite in sync. I had great fun. I hope the rest did too. And I hope we would do the same thing again after our mid-term break. *fingers-crossed*

2. I had a cozy few hours out with mommy - I needed a getaway from my emotions, and seeing her soothing face made amends for my rough week. Thank you, mommy.

3. It was my first time ever collecting my marathon race pack (it was my first time even taking part in a marathon and gosh were there many people waiting in line. I don't know about them, but I think the cute standard chartered t-shirt and the green string bag that came with it are the major factors to my excitement towards my race tomorrow morning!). I can't wait to put my shirt on! *hand-covering monkey emoji* 

4. By morning, I was insinuating a 6.30a.m race. Thus resulting in a 4.30a.m taxi from this piece of isolated land to civilization. Thus means a 3.50a.m alarm clock. What a way to kick start my Sunday, eh? I really hope I can finish my race without giving up. I hope I can. I know we can! No sarcasm intended... At all. *smiling*

5. I thought I'd lost my watch during my outing, which has been clinging onto me for...this would be the 5th year! I actually got really sad as it's one of the few things (besides my school bag and my pencil case and my wallet) that has a sentimental value. Mommy drove all the way back to the restaurant to find it but it was to no avail. Who knew I had it with me all along! Well, I didn't know that! Until I decided to rotate my head to the left and landed my eyes on the second top shelf of my rack. *mental slap across the face* Totally felt that. I'm sorry, mommy.

6. Tonight marks the most exciting Saturday Night Event yet (for this term). It also reminds me of how I am such a far cry from all of them. It's quite depressing. But I guess we are all smart and unique in different ways, am I right? I sure hope I am. 

I'd better sleep now. Here's to a short 4++ hours of sleep for me. I look forward to a productive day tomorrow. Sweet dreams.

"pain changes people" 

- twitter

it's all the same thing

Overawed by the scene before her, Frankie was incapable of taking it all in. Standing on the deck, the inky valley receded, giving war to a carpet of flickering golden fairy lights that was downtown LA. For the first time in days, her mind completely cleared as she looked across to the horizon. The City of Angels in all its magical, inviting, anything-can-happen-out-there glory. It blew her away.

- page 58

America... ♡

Good morning! Here's to a (hopefully) happy day (fingers-crossed) thus here's a happy song to kick your mood up a notch - it's such a cute song really. 

" All the broken hearts in the world still beat
Let's not make it harder than it has to be
Ohh, it's all the same thing
Girls chase boys chase girls "

Girls Chase Boys, Ingrid Michaelson

sleepless

Here's to yet another sleepless night

I'm losing sleep again

Until then

Sweet dreams

每段路 总有分开时候

笑容不能向寂寞示弱

下个路口 该往哪走

松开手 余温会渗进胸口

每颗心 在城市漂流

用青春换懵懂和心痛

哪个终点 值得降落

别回头 眼泪就交给我

希望你快乐 把梦实现

希望你勇敢 找出自己的答案

如果这世界 变得太坏

我会为你而来

第三个心愿 别怕孤单

一定会拥有 珍惜你的那份爱

我早有预感 你有幸福的未来

梦会实现

希望你快乐 眼神灿烂

希望你勇敢 对凡事抱持期待

别怕这世界 对你嘲笑

别被失望打败

第三个心愿 别怕孤单

一定会拥有珍惜你的那份爱

我早有预感 你走在幸福的未来

希望你快乐 把梦实现

勇敢地找出自己的答案

我早有预感 你走在幸福的未来

“ 一定会拥有 珍惜我的那份爱 ”

♡

to stay or not to stay

I know staying is the best for me. But I don't even know if I should anymore. It just doesn't seem right. It's two years. Two whole years of my life. What if I'm not strong enough to bear the weight of all the pressure that comes with staying? What if I won't feel happy staying after all? What subjects do I want to take? What do I want to do? What do I even want...? 

I don't even know anymore. Guess I'm back to square one again: I know staying is the best for me. 

After all, there really is nowhere for me to go.

Just a few days ago I felt as though I couldn't have asked for anything more, that almost everything, if not everything, in my life was going really well ever since school started. I was happy, I felt really happy. Everyday would be consumed with so many activities that there simply wasn't room for this voice in my head. You know, I actually felt cared for, I felt loved, because for once I felt important in someone's life, that I was meant more and not the other way round. I felt lucky... I felt happy. But I don't understand why nothing ever lasts for me. Everything in my life seems temporary. Just when I am getting accustomed to change, everything changes again. Time after time I would think that I've finally gotten something and it is only in a matter of weeks, or just days, before it is taken away from me again. I used to see the world through rose-colored spectacles, and I find that I still do, but this childish act of mine - it has to stop and I'm getting tired of it, I'm losing hope. If this is a challenge the Lord has set for me, I don't want it, please. Please just make it stop. I'm tired of taking a few steps back as a form of letting go, I'm more tired of building up walls and not being able to tell the other the reason for my doing so, I'm most tired of seeing them fade away from my life because of the silence I provide. I thought I had everything, and that was just a few days ago. I was a fool to think it would last me for the remaining years of my time in this school, a fool to believe that for once in my life everything would actually be okay. I guess I was wrong, again. I feel like I've just lost everything that's ever meant anything in my life. And I'm now left with nothing. I've never felt lonelier in my life. I am so sad. 

I wonder how long more I'll last.

“ 我想要变成回忆

退出了这场生命 ”

wanted

//

You know I'd fall apart without you

I don't know how you do what you do

'Cause everything that don't make sense about me

Makes sense when I'm with you

Like everything that's green, girl, I need you

But it's more than one and one makes two

Put aside the math and the logic of it

You gotta know you're wanted too

'Cause I wanna wrap you up

Wanna kiss your lips

I wanna make you feel wanted

And I wanna call you mine

Wanna hold your hand forever

And never let you forget it

Yeah, I, I wanna make you feel wanted

Anyone can tell you you're pretty, yeah

And you get that all the time, I know you do

But your beauty's deeper than the make-up

And I wanna show you what I see tonight...

When I wrap you up

When I kiss your lips.

I wanna make you feel wanted

And I wanna call you mine

Wanna hold your hand forever

And never let you forget it

'Cause, baby, I, I wanna make you feel wanted

As good as you make me feel

I wanna make you feel better

Better than your fairy tales

Better than your best dreams

You're more than everything I need

You're all I ever wanted

All I ever wanted

And I just wanna wrap you up

Wanna kiss your lips

I wanna make you feel wanted

And I wanna call you mine

Wanna hold your hand forever

And never let you forget it

Yeah, I wanna make you feel wanted

Baby, I wanna make you feel wanted

You'll always be wanted

//

Hunter Hayes is quite sweet, I guess.

This is rather hopeless... It's midnight already. 

I'd better try to sleep. 

Sweet dreams. 

It's hurting again. This time more painful than the last. And falling asleep seems like the most impossible thing to do now. Guess it's going to be a long night for me... Sweet dreams. 

Do you often find yourself looking back just to see if someone is coming for you? If someone remembers you in the midst of all the things going on, that they will just drop everything then and there and go to you to make sure you are okay? They don't have to do anything, nor say anything, just dropping by to 'make sure you're okay even when you are not' is enough solace for your empty heart. At least that way you feel that, you know that at least someone cares... That someone actually cares about your presence in this world, that your existence actually means something to them. And that's all I ever want. To be slightly important to someone, just slightly will do. To know that they are slightly happier upon seeing me, every so slightly. To see their wandering eyes as they scan for my presence in a crowded room, and when they do find me, they will heave a sigh of relief and perhaps smile at me - because I am there... And I am okay. Even when I know fully well that I am not. 

I'm just very disappointed...

//

What are words

If you really don't mean them
When you say them

What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they're done

//