listen

Tomorrow marks the first day of Study Leave, which otherwise means: Classes have officially ended on Saturday. Class parties were thrown and class photos were taken to commemorate an occasion both worth being happy as well as sad for - such irony. To think that IGCSEs start next Tuesday is beyond me; to think that my days in this amazing place of which I am proud to call home is the reason for the knots and twists in my stomach. Everything is passing by crazy fast, rocket-speed is the way to call it, and nobody is able to put a stop to it, or at least press 'pause' for a bit...just a bit. 

It's funny how when you are about to leave that you find everything so wonderful, everyone so lovely, everything so funny and yourself so ridiculously...happy. Then you realize that it is all coming to an end, and you feel obliged to distant yourself from them so that the goodbyes would be less painful, more bearable. Then again, you feel more than compelled to spend every passing second with them, to savor the remaining moments together, to cherish the countable moments of 'togetherness'. Either ways, you will still get hurt in the end. However, it is a price that I am willing to pay, in exchange with a lifetime of beautiful memories of which 20 years from now, I will find myself sharing with my husband, 30 years from now my kids. And the cycle will go on and on and on until my presence is deemed insignificant, my stories long since forgotten. 

But it is okay, you know. It's the present that matters most, is it not? At least that's what most people say, so I shall follow the majority, and for once, stop fretting about the unforeseeable future and start going with the flow. 

And my present is this: Telling you my story in this blog until the day comes that the Lord has it otherwise.

I am running out of time, hence I'm back to more revision. 
Thank you for reading. 

PS. MMM day was simply amazing today, *all smiles*
Till then, x

悄悄的

“…她的眼角悄悄地流下了一颗晶莹剔透的泪水。我这才知道，原来离别也会让最坚强的人变得软弱，妈妈也不例外。”

悄悄的我走了，正如我悄悄的来，

我挥一挥衣袖，不带走一片云彩…

放手，是为了让对方走更长的路。

It's not everyday that you'll find a guy best friend and I guess I'm lucky to have found one, after 16 years. But nothing ever lasts, and to think that one day, very soon, I will be replaced from their hearts... A thought that makes me shudder every time. It makes me really sad. My selfishness is getting to me a lot lately, but is it selfish to think this way, though? Is it selfish to just want to be remembered for a bit longer...?

On a brighter note, happy 17th, my "gay" best friend. 

PS. Who is, in reality, not "gay" 

放了自己

I promise to write more when I actually know how and what I'm feeling... When something interesting happens, maybe. 

Until then, 

 

" 你该诠释的不再是悲剧主角的残影

而是新的自己

当你幸福的号志 又一如往常的亮起

笑着放了自己 "

...missing mommy so much it hurts. 

last term

Ironically, today marks the start of the ending. In two months, it would be time to draw the curtains. But for now, we've all got a long and tough battle ahead of us. A battle for which I do not know if I am strong enough. Hang in there, you're so close.

Yet still so far. 

"You should look up when you walk sometimes, I would love to see that smile" 

a reminder to smile every now and then, in hopes that someone may feel this way. 

so smile now, I would love to see that smile, x

late night thoughts

sometimes, I would like to think that I'm the luckiest girl in the world, that there simply cannot be anything better than what I already have before me and around me

sometimes, I just can't...I just can't stop thinking of all the bad things about me and how my presence would only bring more harm and sadness to the lives of others; disappointment and shame to that of my parents', that maybe the best way to ensure sheer bliss is to just...never have existed - be gone 

and such thoughts would overwhelm me, making it hard for me to breathe, like right now. So I choose to sleep.

"I'm not brave, Mom. I pretend that I am. I want people to think that I am but I'm not. I'm really, really scared."

- Tris

the remnants of my childhood that I would never ever discard...  

Can you imagine what would happen if we could have any dream?
I wish this moment was ours to own it and that it would leave
Then I would thank that star that made our wish come true
Cause he knows that where you are is where I should be too

Oh we know it's coming
And it's coming fast
Oh yeah so let's make this second last
Make it last

//

Take my hand, I'll take the lead
And every turn will be safe with me
Don't be afraid, afraid to fall
You know I'll catch you through it all
And you can't keep us apart
(even a thousand miles can't keep us apart)
Cause my heart is wherever you are

It's like catching lightning, the chances of finding
Someone like you
It's one in a million, the chances of feeling
The way we do

Can I have this dance?
Can I have this dance?

//

and it never fails to invite dozens of butterflies in my stomach, 
and ignites sparks of hope in this sixteen-year-old heart  ❤

rainbow

There's a rainbow after every thunderstorm - every end has a new beginning. But very often, we don't wait long enough to watch it happen. 

Very soon we may part our ways, soon enough we will be at two different spectrums of the world, living different lives. But we will always look at the same sky - a fact that even time zones cannot change because, 

What you saw last night would be what I am seeing now; 

The full moon you gazed at as you lost sleep the night before would be what I am seeking comfort in now.

We are really still bounded by the same sky. To think that we are so close, yet so far, it's quite breathtaking...at least we've got one thing in common. 

And that thought, in itself, is pretty amazing already.