- Dear No One - 

I like being independent

Not so much of an investment

No one to tell me what to do

I like being by myself

Don’t gotta entertain anybody else

No one to answer to

But sometimes, I just want somebody to hold

Someone to give me their jacket when its cold

Got that young love even when we’re old

Yeah sometimes, I want someone to grab my hand

Pick me up, pull me close, be my man

I will love you till the end

So if you’re out there I swear to be good to you

But I’m done lookin’, for my future someone

Cause when the time is right

You’ll be here, but for now

Dear no one, this is your love song

I don’t really like big crowds

I tend to shut people out

I like my space, yeah

But I’d love to have a soul mate

God will give him to me someday

& I know it’ll be worth the wait

So if you’re out there I swear to be good to you

But I’m done lookin’, for my future someone

Cause when the time is right

You’ll be here, but for now

Dear no one, this is your love song

But sometimes, I just want somebody to hold

Someone to give me their jacket when its cold

Got that young love even when we’re old

Yeah sometimes, I want someone to grab my hand

Pick me up, pull me close, be my man

I will love you till the end

So if you’re out there I swear to be good to you

But I’m done lookin’, for my future someone

Cause when the time is right

You’ll be here, but for now

Dear no one, this is your love song

- Tori Kelly - 

it's the truth

I like compliments, of course I do, but liking and believing are different. It is never the latter.

There are times when, for a few minutes, I would believe that I could do incredible things, that I was capable of making a difference in my life and that of others. I would feel the undying (be that mental or physical) support from the people I love, hence driving me to do the impossible. I would receive praises and metaphorical thumbs-up and I would smile to all those. Sometimes, I would even feel infinite.

But these times pass as quickly as they come. Before I know it, I am drowned in a pool of insecurities and shallow self-esteem, and down I would go, with no one to pull me up. And it's funny to think that I would just keep drowning. I couldn't care less... Even smiling is hard.

because the truth is, I don't like myself. No matter how hard I try to... I just don't. In fact, I hate every detail. Loathe. Detest. Abhor. It's just so hard...

I guess I don't deserve to be loved too... 

It hurts, it really does.

But it's the truth.

I wish I didn't need to care about my grades. Maybe that way I wouldn't feel like this - no pressure, simply carefree. And not this feeling right now that's killing me slowly, oh so slowly.

But I need to care. 

I'm all I've got...

I wish I was smart... Ha. Just who am I kidding. 

week two

Tomorrow marks the start of a brand new week. Yet again. A good one, I hope, yes? There's nothing much to say for me, yet I feel obliged to write anything at all in here. The fact that I'm in form 5 still hasn't sunk in deep enough for me yet, not quite yet. And I wonder just when I will start to feel and act like one too. Probably right before I graduate. Probably never.

I read somewhere once that crying defies scientific explanation. Tears are only meant to lubricate the eyes. There is no real reason for tear glands to overproduce tears at the behest of emotions. 

      I think we try to release the animal parts of us without losing our humanity. Because inside me is a beast that snarls, and growls, and strains toward freedom, toward Tobias, and above all, toward life. And as hard as I try, I cannot kill it. 

    So I sob into my hands instead. 

- Chapter Thirty

...an apt description of this emptiness once again - 

Why? 

pain to relieve pain

School...

Feels the same. Yet so different at the same time. A feeling impossible to describe. I'm not sad, nor particularly happy about starting the new term, let alone my last year of senior high. Guess I'm caught in between, somewhere amidst these crazy emotions battling beneath me. It's only day one that we are talking about here, and already I am missing mommy... No. 

Well, nothing much can be done now. 

In the dark I have got my fingers crossed - here's to a better day tomorrow. 

"Using pain to relieve pain. It doesn't make much sense" -page 154 

I guess nothing is making much sense to me right now. Just constantly battling this emptiness within me. I am always so ambiguous - I hate it. 

Night... 

 because I know when I close those eyelids, they will later open me to my final year in high school, where everyone gets a little older, a little wiser. The monotony of our footsteps, as they shift simultaneously towards classrooms of past year papers, as our eyes start to lose their glitter, shadowed by the imminent finals that determine our future paths. Conversations are centered on graduations and life afterwards, insinuations that really just act as early goodbyes. Seeing, and not just looking, at those everyday faces, before I am no longer granted such luck. Writing down every single event that happens, significance no matter, before this memory fails me. Perhaps occasionally doing the impossible, even, a crazy school year ensured. Having taught that life is about stepping out of your comfort zone - so why wait?

still I would rather wait, hence I keep them open, my eyelids I mean, my determination being relentless to succumb to their weight. Sixteen. An age so perfect to be in, and so surreal to me, its enunciation still unaccustomed to my tongue, neither registered in my head. Feeling old, I am, though really my life has only just begun, and a month ago thereabouts, I have taken my first step forward, towards somewhere called reality. And there's no chickening out, not today no, for I am only hours away from all of the above. And yet my eyes still are opened, but they are giving in slowly, before finally closing to some sleep.

because I know - what's the point? This is real life. And in real life, it is all but a race against time. A race in which nobody wins. So there. 

" I'm kinda older than I was when I revelled without a care
So there "

- Lorde

last night

Here's to one last night.

Form 5, Form 5, Form 5, Form 5... Sixteen, sixteen, sixtee, six... 
The more I say it aloud, or read it, or type it, the less sense it is making to me. Is it really tomorrow, though, that I will be embarking on yet another journey in my high school year? I am really excited, yes, no lie. But how do you explain the twists and turns in my stomach, then? And my cold, shaky hands? - I think I am getting cold feet, and I am not even in school yet! Imagine.

Those aside, I haven't got much to say this time, not really. Whilst I indulge in some Harry Potter - its series begs the question as to just what have I been doing all these years, Harry Potter is utterly amazing - here's a song with a touch of the blues to take you away, whoever you may be.

" I know there's a blue horizon,
Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me,
Getting there means leaving things behind,
Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.

I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.

Time, time heals,
The wounds that you feel,
Somehow, right now - 

Sweet dreams... ♡

a walk to happiness

I am hopeless in sleeping, simply hopeless - in enjoying my second last day of a long, deep sleep that was to no avail, hence look at what I would rather do now. Having slept past two, I haven't the slightest idea why I am wide awake now.

However, my strong urge to show you these pictures has surpassed my relentless resistance not to, so -

I know... It's exactly the same one as that of The Heirs, it seems too magical to be mine - thank you Ryan, oh thank you so much! 

Can you believe that it was done by the miraculously nimble hands of our little brother, Adam...? You've rendered me flabbergasted. And oh so happy, you know that? 

You always know just what to get me, when even I haven't the slightest clue... I'm in love with the Piglet, it's so adorable that self-control is impossible - I have to cuddle it! And the bag? Just when I needed a new one. I love them... 

I'm just so happy upon seeing them, whenever. And blessed. So... My range of apt words are rather confined at this hour, but just know - 

They are beautiful. And you are too. 

And Sabrina? 
You are different, oh so beautiful in my eyes. And I hope you'll be beautifully happy for every second of your life too, for you have me - like how I tell myself I have you, and you know, I am not so far from a smooth road of abundant happiness now. But this is a road that I want you with me, the both of us, together. This time, I'm waiting for you. *smiling*

" What makes you different 

makes you beautiful   

to me..." 

- Backstreet Boys 

Listen to it... You really are. 

So smile.

I bet that's how he sees you too, well somehow. *wink wink* 

I'm just saying! 

no boundaries

When I am losing sleep, this is when I wish there was no ceiling in my bedroom, that I could look up at the stars, in bed, and just wonder. That I could keep gazing, drinking in the beauty of nature and everything in between before I am robbed of such freedom. That I could keep wondering, just how far ready am I to embark on yet another schooling year, and sadly the last of it, before I am robbed of such innocence - Literally.

" Just when you think the road is going nowhere

Just when you almost gave up on your dreams

They take you by the hand and show you that you can

There are no boundaries "

- Kris Allen

I want to look at the stars right now and just lose myself, in the endless dark sky, where it is limitless - with no boundaries. And be able to say,


"and in that moment, I swear we were infinite" 

proven wrong

I don't know what to say, because there are no words that I see fit at this point, but constant thank yous that are not very good expressions. Just know that - yes, sometimes the higher you keep aiming, the more it will drive you to do better and reward you with a remarkable outcome. Because the higher you aim, the further you fall is no more than a measly quote, that you have proven wrong. And yes, I am happy, very happy now. This summer has opened many doors, allowing me to see for the first time some people I think I have taken for granted, the beauty that friends and family permits, the art of letting go so that better ones can have the chance of showing me this extraordinary, wonderful, roller-coaster-ride of a life, and that... I just have so much to be happy of, that I am a very, very lucky girl - and that it's time I realized that, and embraced it. So you have proven me wrong again, too. I love it very much Adam...so thank you. *smiling*

Thank you.
Thank you for cracking me up until my stomach hurts, for allowing me to be myself and accepting my flaws, for making me feel that I actually belong. For being my friend - and for all those little things in between, memories that are only for us to keep.

And this goes to all of you, you know who you are. ♡
I have had a beautiful summer. Now the question is -

 Just who is ready for school?

aimless

Sometimes you just don't see the light. There is no inspiration, no spark. And very often those sometimes just so happen to drop their unflattering visits during my exam week - which kills my insides slowly as the clock on the wall ticks, and the climax of my essay still left hanging amidst my completely, utterly empty cloud of aura. Which is not fine.

Well. Such times call on me during moments like these too. When finally you feel psyched to drop a post is very coincidentally when you don't see the light. When you are left alone, surrounded  by a happening crowd, and feel resorted to seeking some shelter in the comforts of your cellphone, perhaps an obligatory post in your blog will do - sadly, to no avail. Given it's just a blog post - it is fine.

I guess we all have times like these. Hence this aimless blogpost. And I guess the slow, monotonous passing of time right now is getting to me -

little hope

They say we should take more pictures. Because photographs act as tangible proof of all the good times and the bad. Because who knows, ten years from now, maybe three, or just next week, when you want to reflect on today, there's something to look back on, to smile to yourself at.

The genuinity of those smiles, the tenderness of those faces - so carefree, so happy. They say looking at them, you will smile, you will laugh and just reminisce. 

But looking at them now, I fail at both attempts, to smile and laugh. Instead, it hurts. It hurts because I know, I know, never will they happen again.

I guess this is when hope comes in.

Looking into the mirror, all I see are all those years that time have stolen. No, not stolen. More like a fair trade. In exchange with my age are sharper eyes, fuller lips, bigger hands, all of which are irreversible. There's no going back. And thinking about it now, I don't think I would want to turn the hands of time even if I could. There isn't a particular phase in which I would love to relive, nor trade for, as they have all been just as lovely. Instead, let me get out there and create more - I desire for more adventures, more crazy memories. I should not say this, but let me graduate. 

And then a year from now, let me regret for ever thinking about this at all.

there are days

I guess there are days when you will walk, you'll keep walking, where you are going you have no idea, just walking - aimlessly. 

Probably days when you will sit down, merely sitting there, why and for how long are beyond you, just sitting - blankly.

Perhaps also days when you will pop your earphones on, skipping every song on your playlist, because none of the songs satisfy you, hence you're just skipping them - systematically. 

It's like you are waiting, anticipating, for someone to come. Just... Anyone. So you keep doing what you're doing, tension building inside you like make-believe dominoes. But they never topple. Becase prior to that, yes, that's when you realize, however sadly, that nobody's coming, that nobody's going to come -

That you're on your own, just like every other time you've survived to date. That good things only happen in fairy tales, as much as you want to almost tell yourself that it is the same for reality, that this life you are living is a fairy tale. But it isn't. 

So I guess you're just back to square one. 

Or you keep holding on to that small hope, and one day the dominoes just topple over you.

so much like a dream

It all feels like a dream. It is the best sixteen surprise getaway party I could ever ask for, imagine and think of... And it is only the first night, and though it is August already. I feel oh so grateful - just to be with all of you, I am content. And my presents...? You have all rendered me speechless. It's everything I have dreamed of, at least two of them are. I am not giving anything away here, but I am the happiest girl now. *smiling shyly*

I didn't have a good sleep though. But I'm not complaining! Hence, I'm writing here whilst they are still in the arms of Morpheus. ♡

my summer

Saying hello here after a full 7 days.

So many things have happened over this week and I am having a hard time to start... It has been the fastest, most hectic, roller-coaster-ride of a week that I have ever lived to experience. But having had so much fun, once again playing back her motherly role, "It's time you switched back to school mode, young girl" - Well, I guess she's right.

Summer is tying up its loose ends once again, with only 8 more days till I will be riding shotgun back to my school life in KTJ, harboring a new term, a new form - my last year. It still gives me the tingles. But before we dig into that... Let me trail you back to sometime in July, when someone just hit the sweet 16 age. I still do wonder just who created that term, aren't all ages just as sweet? If not one spoon sweeter than the year before. Oh my, we might all be diabetic by the time we hit 20! As I mentioned in my earlier post, it was one memorable birthday spent in the place I worked. Sadly, just a few days later was the time to say goodbye. Why does it always hurt when the fact that I no longer work there hits me? It still does, and I am feeling very nostalgic... I miss them so. And I doubt I can ever measure to you just how much I miss them, hence the sweet 16 getaway that followed on the 1st acted as a good diversion to my missing them. It was a good spontaneous 4 days that made everybody happy.

“ 全家福 ”

And this was followed by the Sunway Lagoon trip that we had a few days ago which pretty much summed up a perfect summer. From Scream Park to throwing-them-girls-to-the-pool-one-by-one to the Vuvuzela rides... We are like family, at least that's how I see us as - No awkwardness, no silences, just plain... Loud. At least my screaming was loud. I'm sorry Ryan. Oops. *hand-covering monkey emoji*

I guess we all look pretty crazy, which explains it all

And now, all these fun have a way of getting back at me by making me really ill - sleeping for one whole day and being sick to the stomach. I'm not one for falling sick, but I guess this time it's pretty serious. Sleep is catching up on me, as well as the vomit that has stuck by at my throat, never coming out. I feel terrible now... But life has to go on, hence instead of moping all day, I remembered I still have my blog. :)

I think it's time to get some rest... Again.
Oh dear, I hate being sick.

Well, this is my summer. How about yours?