the last day

This is it... Today marks the last day of the last month of the year 2014. It's funny how I can still remember, in precise detail, that this day last year, I was snuggled up in bed having an intense debate with myself - simply typing, then deleting, then typing again, uncertain as to whether my intention of creating a blog was in good faith.

The words left unspoken, the messages left not sent, the phone calls left lingering, the people left pondering, the kisses left unkissed... 

Have courage. For once, do what you want. People may laugh at you for the rejection you get, but I'll admire you. I'll admire you for your courage, for I'm not brave. Never am, never will. I'll admire you for it. So be brave. For once, make reckless decisions and do what you've always wanted to pursuit. When you wake up tomorrow, when you wake up next year, at least you know you've tried.

This is it, 2014. It's time to move on now. 

Thank you for constantly reading my blog, thank you...whoever you may be.

Remember... Second chances don't expire until midnight. So for once -

Listen to your heart, x

你知道吗？其实很多事情看上去艰难，但只要你愿意把你心里的那股勇气挖出来，踏出你的第一步，你就会看到另一个边缘的彩虹。妈妈说 “这个世界是残酷的”... 我希望她是错的，因为在这个世界里，我遇见了你们，让我的每一天都点缀了最灿烂的笑容，最温暖的心。

你知道吗？这一年就要过完了，我又要长大一岁了。这一次，“我还小” 不能成为我犯错的借口了。我的未来画满了许多问号，许多未曾解答出来的问题。在这大大的世界，我的存在是多么的微小。但我相信，我相信机会是留给有准备的人，我相信生活是个未知数。我希望在我这未知数的生活里，会出现一次美好的机会，一次足以改变我的人生的美好机会。

你也一样。

希望

原来一个人的声音能够打动他人的心。听着他们美妙动听的歌声，观众们眼眶里反射的泪水，我的心也跟着希望在动。我看着他们，一个一个成功地跨出人生道路，最终抵达了属于他们的舞台。我很羡慕，也很悲哀。

何时我同样的也能找寻我自己的那个舞台，在充满爱的鼓励的掌声下，展示我美丽的一面，那独一无二的一面。我真的好期盼那一天的到来，期待你们能够看到那个…我。

我希望有一天，同样的，我也能够打动你的心。让我的存在在这世界里，有一点点的不同。

“我的未来不是梦，我的心跟着希望在动”

25th

25 December, 2014

If only life could be so simple everyday, with so much laughter and happiness and love. How great that would be, with nothing much to contemplate, to worry over. If that's all it takes for everyone to be happy... I don't mind giving my everything to see them smile. I want to do so many things, but they are not wrong when they say "so much to do, so little time". I am aware of the passing of every second, and every now and then as I look down at my watch, my heartbeat races against the monotonous tick-tock. We are running out of time is what I tell myself each time, but what can I do? And I hate it when it is time to leave, when we have to bid our goodbyes, I want to say so many things, thank-yous, sorrys, take cares, but all that leaves my mouth is 'bye'. We are running out of time. 

I'm so, so scared. Am I missing out a lot in life? Why do I feel that I am so many steps behind from the people around me? And I feel that however hard I try, I just can't catch up. I feel so small, so insignificant each time I look into the mirror, as I see a face of low self-esteem, of no confidence, of insecurities, of inferiority. 

If only life could be so simple everyday. If only I could make everyone happy all day everyday, what I would give to do so you have no idea - I guess that is why people tell me I'm gullible, even mommy tells me so, and that I can never please everybody... I know that, and I hate myself for that. But I want to, you know? To know that they are happy with me, it means a lot to me. I don't know why, but it matters. To me, it matters. 

I don't know what I want, haha... It hurts again. I'm so lost. I want some answers to this life I'm living. Maybe then, I would stop over-thinking again. It's another sentimental day for me, oh don't mind me.

Especially not today!

Merry Merry Christmas

Till then, x

只要你可以永远开心

我会情愿渐渐被忘记

罗志祥

24th

24 December, 2014

Christmas, dazzle me. 

"cos it's been waiting for you" - T.S.

Funny how things can change in a heartbeat, isn't it? Because suddenly Ryan was there and all I wanted was to be with him all the time. He was intoxicating, addictive. In those early weeks, being with him was more alluring than anything else I could have imagined; you could have offered me a flight to the moon and I wouldn't have gone if it had meant being apart from him.

I know some people are dubious of someone experiencing a volte-face like this. But I bet they just haven't been there yet themselves. They haven't felt that overriding thrill of meeting the person that they want to spend every minute of every hour of every day with. Someone who understands you more in a few short weeks than the people who have known you your whole life.

But I was always burdened by the feeling that this kind of sudden, intense relationship wasn't meant to happen to a girl like me. I just didn't believe it.

Now? Now I would give anything to feel that way again. That's why the best advice I can give anyone is to not be afraid to give love your all. Even if you end up hurt or bruised, it is, as Tennyson acutely observed, and I duly realized albeit too late, 'Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.'

Just Can't Be Away From You Kiss

"it wasn't meant to happen to a girl like me...

...I just didn't believe it"

Just like creative people always say you only remember criticism not praise, I've discovered that in times of distress it's the bad things that stay with you longer than the good. Just like I could (will) never shake that bad first kiss between Ryan and I, now I can't shake the bad memories. It's so bloody frustrating. All I can think about are the arguments I started, the times I nagged him unnecessarily, or administered one of my stony silences when he'd done something to annoy me. They're all there, etched on my brain. I'm like a self-harming teenager: I know I should stop, but I don't want to. Each pain-inducing memory feels good, like I deserve all of this because really, I didn't ever deserve him.

"I'm like a self-harming teenager"

The Bittersweet Kiss

Have you ever kissed someone and felt them slipping away from you even as you did it? Have you imagined the day when their lips are not yours to kiss any more? Have you ever closed your eyes and tried desperately to hold on to that kiss, that moment in your mind and in your heart so you can remember it forever? Maybe the kiss wasn't with your partner but maybe your child, a friend, or a parent?

These days I find myself throwing my arms around my mum and squeezing her so tightly, drinking in her familiar citrusy scent, feeling her soft, aged skin against mine, and wondering if she is doing the same; thinking about a time in the not too distant future, when she won't be able to hold me. Maybe she can still conjure up my first kisses. Did she try and savour each of them, knowing that there might come a time when I might not be willing or - God forbid - able to give them any more? Did she love me so much that she was always scared of losing me? Did each kiss feel like I was one step closer to leaving her? Mum's always said that parenthood is one long kiss goodbye and, sometimes, I can't help feeling that's how I feel about life.

Every kiss, no matter how inconsequential - a quick kiss in greeting, a 'thank you' kiss or a 'see you soon' kiss is treated like it could be the last. It's like a permanent scar that I know will never heal.

The Missed You Kiss

"Did she love me so much that she was always scared of losing me?

Did each kiss feel like I was one step closer to leaving her?"

Why is it that we're meant to know what we want to be and the type of person we want to be with, before we've even worked out exactly who we are? I turned my back on so many opportunities, experiences and life routes. I spend most of my life trying to look like I knew what I was doing, act 'mature', be the grown-up. I wish I'd spent more time being free, seeing adventure, doing things wrong instead of trying to control everything so much. I wish I hadn't tried to live my life by ticking things off a to-do list and just focus on to-day instead. Maybe when I would have been more ready for the grown-up stuff when it came along so much sooner than I expected. I know you're not meant to have regrets, but that's mine.

The Kiss My Dignity Goodbye Kiss

"I wish I hadn't tried to live my life by ticking things off a to-do list"

Six months ago we'd manage breakfast, or at least a cup of tea in bed before I left and definitely a kiss (we swore we'd never say goodbye or goodnight without one). But his increased workload and my recent early starts have meant that this has fallen by the wayside. I miss them, I feel a bit lost without them. Without it I find that my morning cloud takes longer to lift and I don't function as well. It's weird to think that one person can be the sole arbitrator of your happiness. But he's totally the umpire in our love match; the only person who can calm me down no matter how close to the baseline my mood has swung. He can make me feel like a champion when my confidence has taken a knock. He lifts me over the net whenever I'm feeling low. He - 

page 132

"it's weird to think that one person can be the sole arbitrator of your happiness"

4 more days

I won't forget the way you're kissing

The feelings so strong were lasting for so long

But I'm not the man your heart is missing

That's why you go away I know

That's why you go away I know

- Michael Learns To Rock 

(funny name for a band, I must say, oops!)

I've been in search of this song for as long as I can remember and just a few days ago I finally found it! That feeling then was indescribable. 

PS. Right now, I've got yet another song that's tugging at me... But I need to hear it to know it! It's rather annoying, I must say. It's alright, guess I'll just have to wait. :)

Mommy just bought me 1989 and I am oh so happy now! See, the smallest things really do make me tick. I'm ecstatic. 

♡

5 more days

"Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful"

Last Christmas, I remember spending it with my best friend. This Christmas, I still will be spending it with my best friend! *huge thumbs-up* But this time, I've got more friends to share this magical day with, and to be honest, this is all I've ever wanted my dream Christmas to be, to share that beautiful day with the people whom I love, and to hopefully have them share it with me too. And I am oh so excited, I am so happy to an extent that it saddens me... It saddens me to think that I'm finally getting my dream Christmas, and I am filled to the brim with the jitters. It saddens me to think that as fast as that day comes to me, it'd make its grand exit before I even got to savor it thoroughly. It saddens me to think that as much as I am excited for its arrival, I always want myself to just feel this way, you know - to always just anticipate for what is yet to come, though the day never comes, I would forever be in pure excitement. I'm selfish in this sense... I guess I just never want this day to come, so I'd never have to watch the end of it. Mommy said I've still got years ahead of me, and that this is merely the beginning. Then again, I'm just being the sentimentally weird girl that I am.

"Christmas is doing a little extra for someone"

With all things aside, I wish the night would turn out great for everyone...the smiles prominent on those beautiful, immaculate faces. What better way to end a jolly day with a jolly face?

Now it feels like we're guessing and I don't know
I could stay or I could let you go
Don't wanna say that I've been wasting my time
But it feels like we're guessing
And I can't wait all my life

 Against The Current ♡

It's been so long since I last wrote something here... And it's weird, but I've kind of missed you blogger. 

goodbye, for now

The things that are meant to be yours will have a way of coming to you, eventually... As for the things that are not meant to be, set them free, and thank them for being a part of your memory. Love is patient and kind. Love is holding on, but sometimes, there are times, when love is giving up too. To me, that's the bravest kind of love... And you are really strong to do that. Trust me, you'll see your silver lining soon. And when the day has come that you finally see it - that's when you know just what you've been waiting for all along... So hang in there. You are not alone, you know, and you never will be. 

Last night of the term and I'm sleeping alone in a 4-bedded room. It's really quiet - simply a pin-drop silence. Just like that, the longest term of the schooling year has left us behind, giving us instead a series of tormenting trials when we next come back. But with that aside, I'm excited to go home. Finally. Finally, I can heave a sigh of relief and breathe some home fresh air. Caroling was really fun, which reminds me, again... Christmas! Oops. Hehehe. I should really control myself but hey, a girl can always dream, can't she? I'll miss - having a mandatory Malay conversation over dinner, teasing my gay best friend, having small L11 dates (I'm not obsessed with L11... But still, I love it!), knowing just whom I can call up for a game of basketball followed by occasional group dinners, random badminton sessions with the girls and whose reliable shoulder I can lean on at times of overwhelming emotions... I'll miss all these people, who are the main reasons that school life is fun. And I'm thankful for the new friendships I've formed over this term, and some of which that have strengthened and got closer... I'm so grateful... And that's not even saying much.

Though it's just a month, I know I'll miss them. I wonder if I'll be missed too. It'd be magical if I was. 

PS. I haven't finished packing! Sweet dreams. Goodbye KTJ. See you next year... 

The room is getting a bit too quiet. Oops.

Everything happens for a reason, they say, but sometimes, I believe, there are some reasons that are better left unsaid, unbeknownst to us. Though it can be said that life is unfair, I choose to live by the belief that "God gives His toughest battles to His strongest soldiers". Always have, always will. The future is unknown, but he'll be okay, as he has always been. All these many years. God will pull him through this time of hardship, because He's the man, He'll be sure to grant him his sight so he can see again, He'll also be sure to bestow upon him the happiness that was once his. I can't tell what the future holds, but I believe that good things happen to good people. Though I haven't the slightest understanding about him, he seems like a Samaritan, and for a man like him - keep holding on, your silver lining may not be so far away from you, you know? Believe. I'll be praying, too. Praying for you to recover. Your family awaits you... They love you, you know? 

I've got a trip to the chocolate factory tomorrow! Again, I'm just like a little girl, because really, I'm not lying when I say little things make me happy. It could have been a L11 day trip, but with the absence of Jia Qi, it's deemed unlikely... Still, I've been contained within these school grounds for much too long...  It gets so tiring. Like a caged animal, I too crave for freedom. And I cannot wait to be liberated tomorrow! Other than that, it is more or less the end of my humdrum life. So there.

Sweet dreams...

december

First of December. The start of a lovely month. Christmas! Oh, Christmas! Again. Just like a little girl all over again.

Sweet dreams.